Just few days back, I boasted on my resistance to anger. I claimed how I can dodge anger and here I am lost in remorse for loosing my cool in the morning. Actually I had to reproach Sarita for ignoring works and not being in good mood. I do not do that by choice but that must have pissed me off though I was in good zeal on my way to the training institute. During the lesson we landed on a discussion, actually a colleague had bought an issue details of which won’t be interesting. It dealt with sorting the display in a web page and I wrote a code for him. While writing the code, one of my colleague started to argue before I completed the code. I should have taken that in a good sense but I utterly failed in taking the arguments in light heart. Why should I expect that others to agree with me and why can’t they comment? After all they are my colleagues not my students. I was pissed off. I have this ego that I am the most adept programmer among us (only in terms of dot Net). I do not want to be arrogant even then I can’t just take others denial of my task and others doubts on my work with light heart. Very like others I cannot notice that I am loosing my cool. In most of the cases when someone does not agree with us we take it too personally. When we argue most of us start arguing with an assumption that we are superior to the others. This feel of superiority does not let us remain in the cool spirit and the rushes of chemicals in our nerves accelerate. Before the other party gives or presents his logic we already hold an opinion that he is wrong and he does not know anything. We fail to realize that it is our logic that he is arguing, it is not us. Whenever he disagrees we assume that it is us he is questioning, it is us who he doubts. We believe he is not giving his logic to prove anything but to make us look low, embarrass us and mock us. HOW DARE HE NOT AGREE WITH ME? We are infuriated. I was just the victim of this immature ego. Is this the lack of security that I have granted myself? Is it my lack of knowledge or lack of confidence in the matter which I am defending? Probably its my confidence that is lingering. I might have doubted my armor that I can use in my defense or may be I have no armors enough to prove myself. I stop fighting to prove my point I soon channel my energies to prove myself, to prove I am superior and to send a message to my counterpart not to mess with me. Slowly my attempts are to prove him sick and worthless. Arguments only heats further. Luckily most of us know when we are losing control and we pull ourselves from resorting into violence till then enough damage has been done. Either we have challenged the self respect of other or we are head bent to give him a good lesson in the days to come.
Luckily today, I realized it was my mistake and soon repented within myself but it was clear my colleague was really fired. I can ascertain this from his tone from his language. I can catch him with his accent. Now let this not be taken as my fear from him, its just my realization. When everything had settled down and we had buried the hatchet (he was still fuming though), I thought may be I should say sorry. I was in two minds, if I say sorry it will soothe me but that will accepting that he was right, if I was not to say sorry I won’t feel good hence my ego will persist. I didn’t like to say sorry after all we never invaded personal premises, I just said stiffly that I could bet that I was right.
One thing had fumed me more than anything; he did not even try to listen to me. I explained him where he had misunderstood me; all others understood the point except for him. His obvious question was ‘how can this be?’ though I had taken the pain to explain him three times earlier. If he doesn’t understand it’s his problem, my ego had not died. I was sounding more as if I was trying to blow him rather than defend my logic, how could I behave so cynically. My fury for him had been taken over by my embarrassment. I had embarrassed myself. I behaved inappropriately.
Now even he is cool and seems to have got over with everything and I have not said sorry. I don’t know if I will say sorry or not.
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