Loneliness

I never learnt to accept departures as a light regularity in life. They have always left me wonder and feel lonely. Though I was at the peak of my naughtiness last Saturday with my friends but when we were reminded that this might be the last meeting of few of us, I was thrown back to the empty and sullen loneliness. There was probably no one who I might miss, except remember sometime even then to find somebody who you have seen regularly disappear is a weird thought, not very funny. A little later I was waiting Subash sir at Kalimati in one of the busiest area in the city. Strangely the place was suspiciously quiet. I knew there were strikes going on but even then to find that place with no sounds and no hustle and bustle is something that cannot be grasped easily. Probably the quietness inside me was stronger than the quietness in that place. My emptiness was sucking in every sound and I stood alone in that place and the world moved around me in circle, just the way they show in movies. The sun was however in its fullest glare yet I had no thirst. I felt a stream of sweat run down my spine which forced me to consciousness. A fistful of young students had gathered for some kind of protests. I would have damned them otherwise but just spared them. A small kid scornfully looked at me, I don’t know what made him scorn me, may be that was his regular way of seeing people. I don’t remember if he continued looking at me with squinted eyes and his head making an angle with his shoulder. A lady was bargaining the price of mango with its seller and a stray dog looked at me as if a climber was looking at the peak of the mountain he had to climb. I returned him a look of helplessness, I had nothing for him. As if he had understood me, he walked past me and a young boy kicked him. I wanted to kick the boy as well, I feel no one is allowed to assault another being just because he is superior or he thinks he is superior. He told his friends he cannot see dogs. I wanted to tell him, I can’t see you but what would that mean to him. What do I mean to him? Possibly he will laugh at me but his attire suggested he would rather knock me off. I might not be wise but I am not that stupid that I would go to the butcher and ask him not to slay the goat. The dog had run away, moaning in pain but I know he will return because he has to feed himself, he has to seek mercy of his assaulters. I don’t think all of us are alive because we want to live but just because we don’t know what to do.
After a long time I was feeling lonely and this loneliness was not attributed to anyone’s absence in that place. It was a peculiar loneliness; I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts. Out of no where I remembered a couple who I had seen from bus at Gaushala, probably they were bidding each other bye for the day promising to meet again tomorrow. The boy kissed the girl on lip and she blushed. Kissing in public is a taboo. I saw the girl, she was not beautiful not ugly either but I would not have kissed her but I also didn’t love her for that matter. Once it was already late and I couldn’t get any bus. After a long wait a bus came. There were few passengers and most of the seats were vacant. In these cases I prefer backseats watching the night progress with the whiffs of air making me aware that I was alive. I feel a kind of comfort to pass leaving the light poll behind. I like watching people hurrying in shops but calm at restaurants. There was a girl already seated next to window so I took a seat next to her. The breeze was blowing her hair that came to my face and stuck to it. Slowly the numbers of passengers dropped and dropped. I hadn’t seen her face but her cheeks were bright. I don’t know what made her look at me, we were very close. This type of closeness is welcome most of the time but not at those where I want to be with myself. The girl was just an OK, I thought had we been in love would I kiss her. I was thrilled, I was amused. Her hair kept flying to my face and once or twice she will pull them without even turning her face toward me. I wished I could kiss her not for anything else but just for kissing.
Without my knowledge the students had disappeared, I didn’t even notice their slogans. That dog had also vanished from my thoughts. A bike passed in front of me, it left a cloud of smoke which would soon disappear and no one knows if anyone had passed there in a bike. Those smoke were like moments in life, they are ephemeral. They cannot be seen or smelled but they will be there in the environment, in the atmosphere except that they will never be needed. My thoughts had no images of the friends with whom I was laughing just some minutes back. Subash sir came and after wasting sometime at his home we set out for a dinner arranged by my brother. While I wasted time, I tried to lay the burden of emptiness, discussed office and works. Though I was different now, their shadows were still there. For the first time I took wine and unlike they said I was tripped. All of a sudden my never stopping mouth, I lay on the chair my hands crossed behind my head watching the light I truly bid bye to many thoughts for the time being. I was back to my glare again, don’t want to have wine again but I was more peaceful. I couldn’t sleep properly that night, the same faces I had confronted in my day came laughing and giggling in front of me.