Monday, December 30, 2013
As the heat of the tea was trying to get away from the cup, I was trying to warm my hands. The winter has been more trying this year, perhaps it was similar last year as well but who has time to remember the mercury levels. Nothing significant had happened last winter to make it worth remembering. The Sun was warm, the crows and pigeons had crowded the few trees in the premises of the temple where I was sipping tea. The tea usually tastes good at that place but today the Sun was the reason to bring me there. At a distant some women were busy sipping their tea, they must be the employees from the bank I thought. I couldn’t hear them speak but I could tell that one of them had better things to say or atleast she was speaking most of the time. I could say this from the movement of her hand. So many things were making rounds in my aching head but I enjoyed those movements of hands. I was restless today and so were the hands, those hands restless out of excitement my out of headache. I didn’t know how the woman looked, I could have seen her but I didn’t want, her hands seemed to be dancing and I was enjoying it. I cannot remember when did I stop watching those hands or if the women left place, I was already running wild in my thoughts. The tea had become cold. I tried to get as much heat out of it by covering the entire cup with my hands, it was warm.
Yes the tea was good. It was not strong just fine, the way it should have been, the way I would have preferred and the way I have been most of the time. Some coffee had also been added, probably to make it tastier, there was a small lump of coffee that had not dissolved properly. I tried to dissolve it by stirring the tea (or coffee). It dissolved but not properly leaving a part of the surface of tea tainted. I thought that taint was my headache. I took a gulp of the tea, I wish I could add sugar. I wanted to add sugar today into the day, my day. One of the birds tried to stretch its wings but closed it back fast. I could see it shake perhaps it was very cold for it as well.
The tea was fine inside its cup, I was fine in that isolation no desire to be with my colleagues. I didn’t want to speak, the tea looked sad. I didn’t remember the last sip but this sip was tasteless, spoiled my taste buds. I had paid for it, I swallowed it as if it was some insipid medicine. Life was similar, cannot spit because its not tasteful. A whiff of air tried to shake me up. Very little tea was remaining, I gulped it in one go. There was sugar at the bottom, I tried to drink every drop. The Sun was in its full glare, the life will be back, there is sugar at the bottom, one has to just keep sipping.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
I left my bed late today not because it was cold because when you are inside the comfort of your room tucked in warm clothes how would you know if the weather is cold or warm. I lied on the bed because sleep had left me early. It has been leaving early for past few days. Though it had not had impact on my mood on other day, I woke up tired today. After coming out of the bed I realized the weather was quite in harmony with my mood. The somberness in my mood had painted the weather in gloom and vice versa, though I do not claim to have such a power over nature.
When greeted by the fog I wondered what the pigeon which was very reluctant to leave a path for my scotty yesterday, just to feel the sun, was doing today. I am sure it is not in its nest lying lazily as I. It must have been pecking things somewhere near Pashupati, gram seeds, maize among others. It cannot afford to be lazy unlike me who was hidden foot to head in the blanket. I also thought about the Himalayas that seemed to have been painted crimson yesterday thanks to the Sun who had risen early. Then I remembered the girl pulling the sleeves of her sweater to hide her fingers, she seemed like a secret agent only eyes visible to be vigilant. Probably her college is off today as it is a weekend. I soon found myself on the terrace amazed that the villages in Gothatar not visible not even the runway very clear. Were they my thoughts, do they really exists? Many times inside this bowl of valley I doubt if there is world outside the hills. I answer myself, there is of course the world outside these hills I have been to that world not very far away but far enough to prove the world exists behind these mighty hills. I would also think there must be something inside the clouds. I thought heaven existed inside later somebody had told me heaven is inside the earth though I couldn’t fathom it.
When I was flying for the first time out of curiosity I had tried to look about the sky as my plane got inside the clouds but my attempts were futile, even the stretched distance provided me no hints. Then why would nature allow me to see its mystery if there really was any.
The sun and the thick clouds were fighting throughout the early day. I was trying to feel good by thinking good to pacify my irate mood. Neither the Sun nor I was successful in our attempts. Little later the Sun was smiling amid the clouds as the earth celebrated its glimpse but my mood was still hesitant to reconcile with my intention. Little sleep and silly dreams had strained my eyes. I was soon found with a book turning pages but grasping nothing. Late I was able to reconcile to an extent with my mood but by that time the sun was dim, low and intimidated by the clouds which seemed much stronger.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Sleep is such a mystery. When I was waking up early, I was hallucinated to believe I was back in school fearing for the assignments. As I was trying to come to consciousness I was confused at the state of mind, something not right. I realized schools and colleges were past and it was just yesterday I was working in office somewhere deep down convinced I was among few lucky of my generation to be in possession of a good job, but it was all taken for granted. Soon I was full awake with all my prejudices and stereotypes, an individual programmed to be autonomous when awake. It was early morning just half past four and I was in hold of the mood to visit the mighty world, silent and in rest early morning. Walking alone also gives time for introspection and there I was on the endless road talking to myself. At moments I would feel very energetic and jump down the stone stairs on my way to the serpent god, the Pashupatinath from Guheshwari. I could realize the more I pushed the flat stones the more they pushed me back. I remembered Newton and back again it was either school/college. Soon that was broken by guffaw of a sadhu sipping his tea and laughing to a fellow human that it was very cold today. He was barely half-clothed, his hair reminding Bob Marley but this Bob Marley was not consoling a woman not to cry but he was mocking the very thing that had made me clad layers of clothes one after another. I was a while also thinking of my family now I was thinking if detachment really brings bliss and if misery really lies in indulgence. I remembered Gita the Bhagvad Gita which I read/heard time after time just ending up being critical halfway and stopping there upon. As I descended to Pashupati, a pyre of human body on the bank of ailing Bagmati, it was laughing at me. It seemed to say, walk as much as you want ultimately you'll end up here and this is how I shall burn you as well. This is how I shall burn your arrogance, your prejudices, your knowledge. Knowledge as well, I was perturbed. Yes indeed, knowledge is only what a majority accepts as true and time and again generations have falsified the so called knowledge of their previous generations. The men that stood beside the pyre were all solemn more worried that they shall be here as well. I was returning home and the closer I came to home closer I was worried about the day, meetings, work, students, family.