Saturday, September 11, 2010

From my death bed...

There were few months and now there are very few days and who knows its just the next moment, that I will get away from you, forever. This time this is not going to be few days of separation, yes its forever. I am leaving you with memories and what I am taking… I don’t know. Last 32 years of togetherness passed through high and low but what a journey it was. I am rejecting you today because it is more painful to remember that I am leaving you than to think that I am dying. I have been bed-ridden for a week now. I had six months, then five, then four, three, two, one and now just few days. I want to think of other things but what I end of thinking about you. I start from my childhood, remember the friends that I have had but slowly I slip into your memories. Only after wandering into your memories for a long time I remember I had made up my mind to forget you, to give up your thoughts. I turned my face away from you just a moment back when you were away because you are making it difficult for me to leave. My throat chokes when I see you, when I see the fear in your eyes for loosing me, I see the reflections of those days we have been through in your eyes. I knew I was dying soon and the first thing I did was put all your photos away, had those framed pictures of yours slip into the drawers. I saw the picture we took just after the rituals of our wedding completed and we were at home. I looked happy and so did you. You looked a perfect bride and I remember the first footstep you took into my home as my wife. I remember the very next day I had woke up early and you were still asleep beside me. I looked at your innocent face they reflected faith that you had upon me with which you left your parents home just to start a new life with me. The vermillion had fallen into your face and it had made you look prettier. That morning I had made a promise to myself that I am going to make this woman happier as much as I can. I had kissed you on the forehead and I can still feel that kiss. You moved a bit and looked at me, that look hounds my dreams as if my life stopped there. You were there all the way, when I failed you encouraged me, when I got something, you were happier than me, you advised me. From smallest choirs of making my bed, making my dresses ready to raising our kids you had been a great wife, a great partner. I have rejected you, dismissed your presence but it is you all the way, all in my thoughts. I don’t want you to see me the way I am today, I don’t want you to see me helpless and I don’t want to see the loneliness that awaits you. When you try to bring that fake smile I die millions of times. Day-before-yesterday I wanted to move my hands on your grey hair, to embrace you, to kiss you in your forehead and only I know how much pain I inflicted upon myself when I refused to look at you when you came to our room which has been “my” room for last three days. I have asked you not to come to me, not to come to the room because that makes it difficult for me to die. Somewhere its your thoughts that are holding me back. I cried holding the shawl I had given you on the day of our wedding. I want to see you in the same red saree, with same cheerful eyes, and same shyness. I visit to you such so many times in my dreams. When I am awake I am worried if you have eaten well, if you have slept well and in my dreams I see myself watching you sleep, watching you laugh, watching you working in the kitchen with your Kurta’s shawl tied back to prevent it from falling. I am worried if you are well but I can’t ask, I am withdrawing. If God listens to the last wish of a dying man, I ask him your happiness. I love you…………….and that is the only thing I remember at this last moment of my life.