The experience of falling into the gutter

Who wants to fall into the pit? Who wants to get dirty? I don’t want, nor anyone who I know but I have this feeling that I have fallen into a gutter, too dirty to acknowledge. Aftermath, I wonder if I fell voluntarily or if I was pushed over the edge.
Jumping like a calf over the top of Sarangkot in Pokhara, I had not any faintest of idea that disturbances were awaiting my return. To my amazement everyone I met in my office asked me if I enjoyed. I haven’t been someone popular who have talk with everyone. In my office I am still stranger to many colleagues and to have very small number of people I exchange pleasantries, but all of a sudden everyone’s interest in my tour made me feel important at first. Then a colleague of mine commented that the whole office seemed to know I had been to Pokhara and everyone he met asked about me. I later learned someone had been spreading rumor that being a close ally to my boss I was sent on vacation. I did get an idea who could have done that. I was really let down but in these cases there is nothing one can do.
Before leaving for Pokhara, I had forgotten to sign myself on the office register so I was marked as absent. Being a normal case I sought for my boss (Department Chief) who was not available and the other day I forgot the matter. Same case repeated again and by sheer carelessness and foolishness I forgot to report the matter. In these cases staffs have to write an application to the department chief who then requests the Human Resource Department to mark the staff as present. The day before going to Pokhara, I wanted to write the application but again there was no one to make recommendation, so on the day when I was supposed to leave for Pokhara, I wrote an application got it recommended from my immediate boss and looked for my boss who had not come to office and I handed the application to the Peon asking him to get it signed from the Department Head.
I went to Pokhara and I had thought my tour to be successful and fulfilling. On the day I returned, my boss asked me why I had been so late in submitting the application. I could have told him the whole story but it seemed unnecessary and I said I had been really careless about that. After all it was my mistake and it was an obvious case of carelessness. However these cases get repeated in all departments and in ours case its too frequent. Again this was the first time this year I had committed the mistake. While I was looking for a document in my boss’s P.A.’s computer I located the application file I wanted. Since I had missed to sign twice, I thought I had to make two application. The application file I found, was an application a colleague of mine had prepared on a same case and he too had missed to sign for two days. He had clarified the whole thing in a single document and so I just replaced his name with mine and made changes in the date. I got that application printed and gave it to the peon. When my boss complained such mistakes are usually taken in wrong sense by the people in HRD, I acknowledged it promising him not to repeat the mistake. I had assumed he would approve my application.
My head swing as I was returned the application with only one day approved. It meant I would be marked absent on a day when I had come to office and worked. I would have taken that as a normal case had there been strict rules for everyone and had other colleagues of mine been slapped with similar consequences. The very department that turns blind for staffs who shun office for whole day just after signing the register. Same department has no rules to be enforced for staffs who return to office after lunch, no rules for staffs staying away from office for hours in the name of tea. Being considerate is different from encouraging indiscipline. If discipline has to be enforced, it should be enforced to everyone.
I don’t remember the last time I had been so furious. I was helping a staff prepare audit report when I was handed the application form. I tried to concentrate on work but my ears were ringing and I had to ask the staff to come to me next day. I sat still a while thinking what can be done and what should be done. But when anger takes its toll upon mind, sanity and the power to make proper decision get lost. I tried to return the application back to my boss telling I don’t need approval even for one day. If forgetting to sign the attendance register once is unpardonable mistake its nature and serious remains same for any other days. But I was destined to know a part of me that had been hidden or I had deliberately hidden. I thought I knew what I had to do. I went to the representative of a union without caring the orientation of the union (political, general), I would have joined any other union had I met its representative first. I asked him to get me a membership form who was himself so surprised to hear that. He asked me what had happened and I told him everything. He said he would get my application approved for both days without any consequences. Had I cared for consequences I would have never come to him but then came my ego which said I should not get the application approved. He talked me about political convictions which I would just ignore, it would have been vaporized by my anger. He got me a form later which I filled however since executives are not allowed to get enrolled to union I could only give them moral support, I became ready even for that. I filled the form to give moral support to the union.
Later another much influential member from the union came to me. Without knowing anything he said he was glad that I joined his union but then what he told next made me realize I was inside the gutter. He said, his union would always be ready to push my points, they would help me get promoted when opportunities come. I would have spit on my own face had it been possible. If I had compromised, the compromise was for survival, but the compromise had been too costly. Had I not already handed the form I would have torn it right away but as the saying goes ‘living in jungle you cannot afford enmity with the lion’. I had never felt so weak. I only said I hope I won’t need their help when it comes to getting promotion. My desire to win genuinely has not yet stooped even by an inch.
I do not think my getting angry on whatever happened over the missing attendance was very wrong. I do accept I did a mistake but there is a provision in the office rules itself for that. Unfortunately I had already wasted one leave just a month ago and I could not afford that. If correction and action were needed why more serious offenders be spared. Everyone says my boss is more considerate toward me, I don’t want that consideration if I am chosen to teach lessons to other. As far as union is concerned, I know how to deal with it, just ignore them, ignore their invitations, ignore their programs.
The other day when I was going to office, I was seriously thinking about preparing for GRE, its not for the missing attendance but its for the offer of ‘help for promoting my career’ and its for the confidence with which I was told not a single person in the office had risen to higher levels without one or other helping hands. I do not smell of a gutter but I know I stink of gutter.

A walk to my office

I looked at the sky with a thankful face for not being very hot. I watched my steps as I walked on the pavement. It is no longer a new path after passing a year in this office, it’s among things I have known still cannot tag it as ‘my’. I have no intimacy with this path and I don’t think it has any towards me. I am just one of the thousands of people who hammer their foot into it. In this one year, this path has been same not even a small change. I have never strolled upon it just to check how it is. I didn’t know how does it look till today though I have walked on it innumerable times. Even today I had no intention of watching it but I did. I couldn’t ignore the stones carved into it as I watched my foot nimble to my office. The stones were cut to create a special pattern. The gaps which couldn’t have been greater than half inch gave impression as if it were the lines cut by a fish as it swam in the water. It had a rhythm though very oblivious. The blue lines about 4 inches thick cut across at places looked like some kind of scars. Had there been some other lines with different colors I would have thought the street looked like the painted face of a football spectator in some kind of tournament. It is possibly one of the cleanest paths in the city as it enjoys to be positioned in front of the palace. It is also one of the least busy paths in the city as it does not host any offices, restaurants, molls etc. But it does have beggars and their family. The beggars are either women with children or elderly people. The women have their toddlers held in their lap or are unleashed to crawl around on their own. When there are children people tend to stop by and offer at least something. I wonder what does the future hold for these children, may be they are destined to be beggars themselves or the rag pickers. When vehicles stop on the signals the older children rushes to knock the windows of the vehicles, get their hands inside the vehicles asking for alms which can be food or money. If you give them some cash they will slip it in their pockets and if you give them coins they will allow them to remain in their bowls. I feel as if the street watches them in silence, it watches them when they take nap under their umbrellas, when they eat from a single plate and when their mothers reproaches them for not being able to get something from the passersby. They come to the road just like I come to my office. I don’t know where they live but I can say for certain they do not spend their night on that road.
I noticed something more, this road, this pavement is always clean, cleaner than any other pavements in the city except for some dogs’ droppings and the excreta of these beggars. On the other side of the road trees droop through the once royal fence. They look like old tall men bent to pick something from the ground. The shades of these trees make the other side cooler but the foul smell of birds’ droppings make the walk on that side really painful. I can see the faces that have been voluntarily wrinkled by the passers by to avoid the smell on the other side. While most of the men use their hand to put over their nose, women and girls have their handkerchiefs. I cannot say by this sight if men use handkerchiefs lesser than women or if few men carry handkerchiefs as compared to their female counterparts.
On my side of the road, there are guards with machine guns on the gate of American Embassy. This is just a wing, the main office is not here. I look at them, there have been no problems in this area, no terror threats, no nothing so they are less alert. However when the door opens they stand firm and rigid. I do not know if these same guards stand their and even now as I write this I do not remember their faces. They are joking with each other. Now I am at the cross-road and I have to move into another street, my office is just a minute walk from here. I won’t be back to this street until tomorrow as I use another route while returning.

I am rotting

While coming to office today I was introspecting on my job. It was only after seeing the college students watching their exam questions. Its been almost three years since I left college. I received the award for best student of our batch. I was good at so many things they thought. My pursuit of IT as a career was just a desperate move not any conscious decision, luckily I could do well. Literally I fell in love with programming specially database programming. In college one had to labor hard to be in the top because there was a top position in the college. I had to follow the change if I wanted to be at the top. I started with C then C++, then Visual Basic and finally .NET. There was a never dying zeal to learn new things. The day we couldn’t be receptive to new topics new ideas somebody else will score higher. We had no option but to learn.
Even in competitive jobs one has to be receptive to new things. He/she has to keep himself/herself updated with new things. Especially if one is in the field of IT than updating oneself is the only tool to survive. However I being employed in office which has me without a vision, I come here everyday, browse the internet, write blogs, read news and return home, survival is not a problem. There is no ‘top’ position for which I have to compete. Possibly my relationship with my seniors is the mantra to rise. I am getting outdated, I never feel necessary to update myself. Unless I can use what I know and unless I am tried and tested I do not feel the necessity to update myself. I feel I am rotting. I remember a question during the interview for this job. I was asked why you are leaving the bank to join us though it pays you more than we do. I had replied: I am in the age where more than money I should look for my career, this office promises me that because it has just began the process of computerization. When one nurtures something from the time it was conceived, he/she will become expert in the task. One year has passed away and I find nothing challenging. I though I should get a side job, I want to work in the private sector. Its not that I didn’t get any offer but they all have been rather unconvincing. My friends say I should consider going abroad but I am not being able to take any decision. One of my uncles wrote to me if I want I could apply to Korea for further education and he will help me.
Remaining unemployed is a real pain but its more painful when you have nothing to do in your job especially when you have joined the job with great enthusiasm. Sometime I feel, I was ditched by luck for getting job. Had I not got job I would have applied somewhere else. Most of my batch mates who could not get job went abroad and they say they have challenges in life. But again if the challenge is to make ones two end meet then to hell with the challenge. I think for most of my friends the challenge is not in their job but the challenge is in their survival. They will come here with few dollars and flaunt it here. People here will get jealous for their money and they will feel jealous for the quality life of people here. If I was to make other feel jealous its possibly the quality of life.
I do not struggle here for food, I struggle here for identity, to imply what I know, what I have learnt. I do not want to sit idle. To receive salary for a month when there is not enough work even for a week is painful. I am rotting. I am losing the fire to learn, I am losing the enthusiasm to strive harder, and I am losing the confidence to change. I have started living in the status quo. Neither is it giving me monetary satisfaction nor the satisfaction I seek by working. I am losing myself. I am desperate.

Office conversation

So, the democracy that was exercised few days back brought results. If you don’t know what, then let me tell you. In our department we all were asked to forward the name of two employees one from assistant level and other from executive level, who we think deserved the annual perk from office. I exuberantly forwarded two names and the one who deserved won. I had left office earlier on the day of result. Following conversation transpired the next day on the same issue.
Raxi: Ram Prasad has got the grades. Hari was fired. According to Mr. Ro if everything was planned there was no need for the drama. He was really enraged.
Sandy: Wow! That’s cool. He deserved it.
Subbu: Yup! He works really hard and obeys things.
Hem: I also think he deserved it. But what ever that was done in the name of nomination was a frame. It had some other intention.
Raxi: didn’t you learn about the whole thing yesterday.
Sandy: No how would I.
Raxi(mockingly): you people shun work in the name of going to pulchowk.
Sandy: it does not mean that going to pulchowk is to know who got what. I do not go to unconcerned departments smelling new things cooking. I was at the Inventory.
Hem: Yes I was also at inventory but remained mostly at HR.
Raxi: Mr. Da who was so reluctant to vote and said he was concerned for others finally voted himself for assistant and Dept. Chief for executives.
Sandy: But I heard for Dept. Chief he had written he would not resent whoever is recommended.
Subbu: How come you people know the results when it hasn’t been flashed?
Sandy: I heard it on the workshop day.
Hem: After conducting the whole drama at least they should have come out with the results.
Sandy: Most of the staffs knew informally only we three were spared.
Raxi: Mr. Ro had told as soon as the recommendation cheats were counted.
Hem: Why does these things happen?
Subbu: this is so frustrating!! These things is not encouraging. Whether do not leak the information if you do make sure everybody knows it.
Sandy: The reality in our department is that we have groupism. We talk about one thing with some and with others the whole content is manipulated. There is no need to backbite anyone.
Hem: that is the main problem, at the end of the day we have to do our own work. The whole drama was to learn what the staffs think about each other and about their executives.
(Subbu leaves to fix something)
Raxi: I do not know about the intention but it was useless as the staffs feared that their handwriting will be identified and they will be biased.
Sandy: yes that could be the reason. This time my another nomination was a game of politics. I loved playing it.
Raxi: The best way was to ask the staffs to tick the names from the list and drop it in a box. It would have been justified and the result would have been fair.
Sandy: But to me the result is fair though what you said is correct.
Raxi: For e.g. Mr. Su had worked in this department for years and he hasn’t even got the perk a single time. He has worked hard.
Sandy: But its based on the work evaluation this year.
Raxi: It is a lie, a blatant lie. Then how come we can’t get the grades.
Sandy: Dept Chief had said we could be recommended.
Raxi: Then he knows nothing about the office rule. There is a rule which says employees can be recommended for grades only three years after they have joined the job.
We left the cabin after a guffaw. There are still few things that we all can agree on.

Democracy

These two days were very engaging. When there are no works there are no works at all and when there is work it makes one sweat till the last drop. Even then I prefer busy days against the dull ones. Yesterday was more tiring than today, today I managed to peek into an e-Book I have been reading from few days. The office hour was reaching its end while I was reading the intriguing lines. It was a call from my immediate executive, all the staffs were summoned and at that time among fifteen hardly six can turn up. We were four in his room where he was busy making some papers. He handed one to all of us, without actually looking at the paper which was already in our hand we wanted to know what it was from the horse’s mouth. It was a real surprise a thunder in its own way. Hurrah!!! Democracy. We were supposed to give our opinion on who should receive the annual perk from our department this year. We have to give names of one executive and one non-executive who we think should receive the perk or grade. We have to scribble the name of staffs. We do not require signing or jotting down our names. No criteria for the nomination were suggested possibly believing we were mature enough to justify our nomination.
One of my colleagues was less interested while I was little exuberant. We can even recommend our own names, unfortunately I do not find myself deserving and more unfortunate is the fact that I cannot think of any other deserving executive. While our seniors are more engaged in meetings and planning rather than implementing, we without doubt work more than that. Planning of course is a rigorous act but only when you are committed and one does not sit for planning for the sake of planning itself and belching the meeting allowance. Planners are rarely accountable when their plans fail. On one of those meetings we didn’t talk anything on the purpose for which we had sat together but we (including myself) indulged in current political development. We so much shamelessly mock the system that we have committee to recommend software (e-mail server) though the decision to buy particular software has already been made. Committees have other advantages as well, first being the allowance one gets and the other being sharing the accountability for works that are usually dubious.
Anyways I was excited today for it was a signal of change, sign of democracy. As far as non-executives are concerned, there are two deserving candidates while others are worse than worthless. Now I am little confused on whom I should recommend. We have seven non-executives out of which five are good for nothing. The one with the most gloomy face is an active member of union and he does nothing. The only task assigned to him is to survey different section and take note of that, even with no work he is the one who is never satisfied. All of my colleagues were unanimous that he will get only one vote and that will be his own. The other has remained absent (though appearing present in office’s attendance register) lamenting on his personal issues. Even when he comes he shows no interest in work except reading newspaper. I don’t know how he is going to get even a single recommendation with his rude behavior and unauthorized absence. One of the assistants is also an active member of union and he talks/demands more rights than earning it by executing what he is supposed to do. Boss’ secretary is new and he is also someone rarely seen in his desk. One is lady who was in pregnancy leave from two months and that makes her chance of getting a recommendation bleak. Now the two are left. One is a really laborious assistant, facilitator who is always available (before 2:00PM) when one needs him. A hardworking and proactive staff, though he runs his small private business without affecting the office choirs. But then he leaves work at 2:00PM though office time is till 5:00PM. Even then he does more work in a single day than his peer does in a whole month. The final one is a young man who is exploited like no other in the whole department. He does overtime, runs from section to section repairing and fixing computer related problems, comes to office even during holidays and is really helpful. I do not prefer people who raise no voice against exploitation and who consciously fall victim to the exploiter. The poor guy is doing work of three people all along by himself. I don’t know why people do not understand by falling prey to exploitation they will never win praises and perks. On the contrary those who exploit him will never want him to rise out of fear that if he rises higher they won’t be able to exploit him as easily as they are doing now. If one is being exploited because of his/her helplessness it can be justified. For example a father with a family to feed do not raise voice against his exploiter because there is no job available if he leaves his exploiter, in this case he might be justified but if he is a silent oppressed with no obligations he deserves no pity.
I have expressed my discontent in above paragraphs on the staffs who do not work. One thing that cannot be denied is that they are doing what they are asked to do. There is no one to cross check the activities of staffs. Seniors remain mum against the breach of office rules. As far as the staff who needs to work for one day a week is concerned, he is assigned no other jobs and he can easily avoid new assignments citing lack of knowledge. What a shame for department that spends a big part of its annual budget in trainings to enhance skills of staffs. Management cannot expect efficient work and discharge of duties unless it ensures none of its staffs are exploited and there is balance of work between them. May be this is also a sign for other changes. Let me hold on to my excitement.
When we were out of our executives’ room the same colleague who was skeptical inside said it was just a show off, a sponsored event with no significance. He said he even knew the one who will get the perk. It was the same man with discontented face from the union working only once a week. I said I can’t say anything but we agreed that he won’t get a single recommendation. He said he is even ready to bet, we informally have a bet on. I must admit my exuberance was descending from its peak and soon I was indifferent.
Is it only a drama? May be or may be not. We have also not been told that our recommendation will be used to make final recommendation, but it indicated that only our opinions were sought. We however can easily know if it was a drama when the one getting the grade will be declared. If my colleague wins the bet it will surely mean it was just a setup. I do not like to be pessimistic before anything has really happened, I hope this time there will be no foul play and our opinions will be counted. If that is to happen that will be a perk in itself for me individually and I know it will encourage other colleagues as well. It might also send message to the staffs who shun works to work properly.
Last year when the perk was announced there was a frustration among few colleagues unfortunately those who lie on the bracket of irresponsible staffs. They think one should get perks on the basis of their tenure. What a pity? Only those who has no work to speak for them bring this kind of opinion.

Office Office

When I went to office early in the morning, I saw him already positioned in his chair busy in some kind of work. Out of curiosity, didn’t you make a schedule yesterday? He nodded in affirmation. My face must have questioned him ‘then?’. After having completed a year in the department, I knew what had happened. As always they must have made schedule to stay after office or come early in the morning so that only one won’t suffer, but when time came for their turn they must have produced excuses or might have left without information. There he was doing work that was supposed to be done by another. If someone wants to witness the limit of indiscipline they should come to our department. If one wants a leave, he need not ask for that what he needs to do is come to office early in the morning do the attendance and go home. In this way you save your leave and at the same time you can do your work. If you are expected to carry out a duty you can just ignore it citing you are not the responsible because no job description is given. Luckily the boss is lenient. More than that no one is sincere and you always have cases when your boss or your colleague had broken the norm. Do you want make your superiors and boss considerate on you, then keep telling them the works you did (though in reality your colleague might have that) and do not fear to give him information on what others are doing or talking. Do not appear in office for almost a month still superiors will think you are in leave as their mathematics is slightly poor. Even if you come to office just find a place to sit with newspaper and engage yourself in gossip. Just show your face to boss and leave the office. I was thinking may be I should join some other organization in the day as after signing the attendance book, its not necessary to stay at office. Tell your father is ill and leave office anytime you want. Do you know any other office which is as lenient as ours? If you don’t want to work then this is the best office and ours is the perfect department for you. Even after taking professional trainings worth thousands of rupees you can always say I don’t know how to do it. Even if you have to work then it won’t be more than visiting other sections once a week taking few notes make entries in computer and relax for rest of the week. But you have to be careful, you must give impressions as if yours is the toughest job and keep complaining how you are doing the most difficult thing in the department. However if you still fear then again there is a cure, join a union, appear as if you are the most dedicated staff in the whole department before the boss. In every meeting your consent will be sought even though you have nothing to say. Wait !!! in meetings do not hesitate to raise issues even though they may be the silliest you can think of. Make yourself appear as if you are in great stress due to the nature of your work. Recite your woes on how you have to listen to others complain and how rudely they behave with you.
The other thing is make smallest of the work look the most complicated one, even if that can be done in not more than 30 minutes complain how mind boggling is the problem and how it might take a whole days or even a week. Always lament on the pressure of work you have but in your cabin feel free to play games. Keep telling how the works have piled up and how your peers have made it more complicated. If a problem is encountered do not look for its nature before blaming your immediate boss for everything. Criticize him and curse his incompetency before others to prove yourself the ultimate messiah. Do not forget to blab about how you accomplished something so complicated to everyone. Make yourself look as if without you the whole office will be lame. Forget sharing work, why would you share your work? If others start solving problems people will go to your colleagues and your image will be tarnished, people will stop praying you. Present yourself as the most caring person before your colleagues though you might hate him. Find what he is doing and try spoiling his work either by deleting the records he has created, or by deleting the file he has created. When someone points at you, make a conspiracy theory ready, make someone a villain who is always against you. It will work.
I am now an expert in office stuffs. I don't have much work but that is not because I have started avoiding work, there isn't any. However I leave office early at least twice a month and seek no permission if I have to leave office in the day for my personal work. I know this is something I should be ashamed of rather than flaunting it.
I have now adapted to the new culture and is spoiling myself yet have never shunned my responsibilities nor delayed any work. Even then I am a clever staff now. Earlier I was not. once when I asked my colleague whose permission should I seek if I have to leave early. He said no-one. My obvious question was ‘won’t any disciplinary action will be taken?’and the obvious reply was ‘only people who are disciplined can take disciplinary action upon others’. In my previous office there was no chance of leaving early. I said ‘The boss might reproach’ and the immediate reply was ‘the boss himself take classes in day’. I knew this was wrong, I could have bet that our boss does not take any classes in the day. I argued and after being convinced my colleague said he used to abscond earlier. Later I learnt few of my colleagues do not like the boss because they preferred the boss from their ethnic background. Though in 21st century, many of us have fostered communal ideologies. One of my colleagues is always full of praises for the head of another department. His ‘had there been P. Sir’ is a repetitive term I hate to hear.
Anyway this is our office, thus are my colleagues, seniors and so many things I have learned.

I shouldn't have done that

Just few days back, I boasted on my resistance to anger. I claimed how I can dodge anger and here I am lost in remorse for loosing my cool in the morning. Actually I had to reproach Sarita for ignoring works and not being in good mood. I do not do that by choice but that must have pissed me off though I was in good zeal on my way to the training institute. During the lesson we landed on a discussion, actually a colleague had bought an issue details of which won’t be interesting. It dealt with sorting the display in a web page and I wrote a code for him. While writing the code, one of my colleague started to argue before I completed the code. I should have taken that in a good sense but I utterly failed in taking the arguments in light heart. Why should I expect that others to agree with me and why can’t they comment? After all they are my colleagues not my students. I was pissed off. I have this ego that I am the most adept programmer among us (only in terms of dot Net). I do not want to be arrogant even then I can’t just take others denial of my task and others doubts on my work with light heart. Very like others I cannot notice that I am loosing my cool. In most of the cases when someone does not agree with us we take it too personally. When we argue most of us start arguing with an assumption that we are superior to the others. This feel of superiority does not let us remain in the cool spirit and the rushes of chemicals in our nerves accelerate. Before the other party gives or presents his logic we already hold an opinion that he is wrong and he does not know anything. We fail to realize that it is our logic that he is arguing, it is not us. Whenever he disagrees we assume that it is us he is questioning, it is us who he doubts. We believe he is not giving his logic to prove anything but to make us look low, embarrass us and mock us. HOW DARE HE NOT AGREE WITH ME? We are infuriated. I was just the victim of this immature ego. Is this the lack of security that I have granted myself? Is it my lack of knowledge or lack of confidence in the matter which I am defending? Probably its my confidence that is lingering. I might have doubted my armor that I can use in my defense or may be I have no armors enough to prove myself. I stop fighting to prove my point I soon channel my energies to prove myself, to prove I am superior and to send a message to my counterpart not to mess with me. Slowly my attempts are to prove him sick and worthless. Arguments only heats further. Luckily most of us know when we are losing control and we pull ourselves from resorting into violence till then enough damage has been done. Either we have challenged the self respect of other or we are head bent to give him a good lesson in the days to come.
Luckily today, I realized it was my mistake and soon repented within myself but it was clear my colleague was really fired. I can ascertain this from his tone from his language. I can catch him with his accent. Now let this not be taken as my fear from him, its just my realization. When everything had settled down and we had buried the hatchet (he was still fuming though), I thought may be I should say sorry. I was in two minds, if I say sorry it will soothe me but that will accepting that he was right, if I was not to say sorry I won’t feel good hence my ego will persist. I didn’t like to say sorry after all we never invaded personal premises, I just said stiffly that I could bet that I was right.
One thing had fumed me more than anything; he did not even try to listen to me. I explained him where he had misunderstood me; all others understood the point except for him. His obvious question was ‘how can this be?’ though I had taken the pain to explain him three times earlier. If he doesn’t understand it’s his problem, my ego had not died. I was sounding more as if I was trying to blow him rather than defend my logic, how could I behave so cynically. My fury for him had been taken over by my embarrassment. I had embarrassed myself. I behaved inappropriately.
Now even he is cool and seems to have got over with everything and I have not said sorry. I don’t know if I will say sorry or not.

Bla Bla Bla..............

Despite being a cooler day, I am feeling lazy and I don’t know who to blame. I had to walk a lot yesterday and my legs are still aching. I only realized my legs were not feeling good only at office. Business makes one forget so many things. Today I am feeling so sluggish that I wished I didn’t even have to pee.
While going upstairs I met a colleague and I always fear shaking hand with him for the simple reason that he loves jolting the other with his hand shake. He has got a huge hand and when I shake hand with him, he takes my hand as if he takes a twig in his fist. One has to do a hand exercise to come out of the sudden jolt. Since it was an encounter I couldn’t escape and I forwarded my helpless hand as if I were extending my hands to be caned from teacher for not doing homework. He loves shaking hand and his face light ups as if he were saying so here comes my victims. One of my uncles had told me that communist have this habit of shaking hands rather strongly. I felt foolish when I wondered if he was a communist. Thinking about communists I frequently remember one of the tenants in trishuli. His room was next to me and he always sang revolutionary songs which I had loved to enjoy. Some morning when I wake up, I wish I could hear him again. He was a communist activist and had even participated in underground communist activities before 1990s movement. I don’t remember how he shook hands.
Unlike last few days I have few works staring me from my table but I am just avoiding them just because I don’t feel like doing them as there is still some time left. Though the sun is not in the sky and the clouds are threatening rain it’s really hot. I had started to read a book few months back but had eluded the read after few pages so I thought revisiting the book. I am rather bizarre with books, many times I am more concerned in finishing the book rather than actually grasping its content. Though that is a rare event, I aim at finishing the books when they are not to the par or not as per my expectation. The book started with a lazy not but it is gradually getting interesting so I have started enjoying it. I don’t know when I will finish the book and there is already another book in my mind which I aim to finish by next month. I like to finish a book in one sitting rather than bookmarking them and reopening them after many days are passed, I can’t read books in small quantum.
Today I changed my nick in msn as ‘Depreciating every day’ by being offended with my own laziness. I am loosing interest I think. I had tried to write few lines earlier today but just couldn’t break through and even these lines are not written in an exuberant mood. I do have few subjects but I have reserved them for sometime and I worry by the time I write them, my thoughts would have been stale.
A blank paper is flickering with the air from the fan and a sound of music is coming from the cube that is next to mine but they are not soothing me. Today the whole office is in the mood of celebration after many staffs have been promoted. I have already have sweets ‘three times’ and now I can’t have another piece even if they say I will be paid a 100Rs for consuming sweets. The monotonous sound of the sawing machine is coming from somewhere I cannot see. Everything is so boring. I think I should rather continue with my read.

Sycophancy

This is not issue at all but a symptom, a representative of a tradition, an impediment for development. Our boss is on vacation and this has not affected our work when there are any. Among the staffs only few of us need to report to him while others enjoy their own freedom. Despite being a huge organization, there are very few works and we often cut days browsing the internet or reading papers. For people like me who are already lazy this is no help.
Though a huge building, we have worst facility of toilet in our office. There is only one toilet in our four storied office. To ascend the ladder just to dump the unwanted water is itself very unwanted but as natural as it is, we have no option. It would have been a great relief if there was a small rest room in our department. Once in a meeting the proposal was presented but as very expected it was rejected. When I joined this office, I saw a weird culture; our colleagues always discouraged us for presenting genuine cause to boss as they believed they will go unheard. They said our reasons will always be under unwelcome and rather useless scrutiny. I believe when we reserve the right to reject something we should have enough reasons to justify the rejection. There might be many theories for efficient management but I believe in democratic management and transparency. Without this a boss is not viewed as a popular leader but as an authoritarian dictator. The capacity to reason becomes more important especially when one works in a public sector organization and he himself is just another employee.
So, we have to go to second floor just to pee. In the absence of our boss, we feel free to use his toilet. I don’t think we can actually do that i.e. getting into boss’s room and peeing in his toilet, yet I do it quite often and so does few others. Even these days I was enjoying the self granted luxury, until one day when I found the room locked. Though not shocked I did give mused on it. There was no way our boss will call from India and ask the staffs about the status of his room or toilet in that matter. I can even guess who could have done this but there is no point in making an issue about this. Many bosses are so lucky that they have employees who consider it as a part of their duty to guard his toilets or may be even clean it to please their boss. This ‘extra’ duty the staffs carry out to appease their boss is sycophancy. Sycophancy has many forms from leaking colleagues or peers information to bosses to offering gifts-services to bosses. Sycophants are usually people deprived of self respect and confidence. Professionally they are incompetent and they are dexterous at no other thing apart from being spies of boss. The character and attitude of the boss himself is to be considered in this regard. Who would want to have spies? Obviously those who feel insecure. Why do people feel insecure because they cannot take people into confidence? And why can’t they take people into their confidence because they doubt themselves. They are incompetent themselves and aware of the fact that they are not working in the general interest of the organization. They are either shunning their duties and despite working hard they are not competent enough to make a right decision. Sycophancy has both the sycophants and their patron as beneficiaries while the whole organization at the suffering end. The culture is precarious to those who work hard and can make effective decisions and cannot risk their morality and self respect to lick others feet.
While reading a wonderful book I learnt that sycophancy was actually institutionalized in our country by the mighty Ranas. The culture became so fruitful for those who wanted easy money and privilege that it took no time to root deep into the society. If you have no qualities to get what you want learn to praise others, work for boosting the ego of your patron.
My office is just a small example yet a very perilous example as well. Once a junior staff comes to advice me to make an outgoing entry when I have to leave office early but the tone was that of an order. Had the same thing come from a competent and hard working junior I would have loved to appreciate his concern but from someone who is more useless than crump of a paper in dustbin I didn’t like it. It should have come from the boss, he could have chide me or even give me suitable punishment but who authorize him to order me. As per my nature, I didn’t say anything to him.
In countries like ours the labor unions are becoming the shelter for incompetent people. When one is incompetent he might not be promoted get other benefits or may be even sacked from his job and there comes the labor unions to protect him. Labor union work with the concept that their members are always right and the management is always wrong. For the bosses to have a close ally in the unions means no opposition to what they do. What more would the bosses ask when the union member spies for him?
When smart management principles are being adopted around the world with proper demarcation of ones job, our boss assumes a work description will make a staff completely self centric. Those who work hard take this not as a good management practice but an attempt to cushion the incompetent, the spies and the sycophants. I don’t know how many bosses will ask a staff to do the work of another just because the later does not know how to do it. I don’t know how many bosses will send their staffs to high skill trainings and again entertain the answer ‘I don’t know how to do this’.
There is still a long way to go and sycophancy will be the most dreadful impediment for progress.