Random Thoughts

If I was to sit to think about things that brings smile to me, many will certainly include rain, water, loneliness, tranquility, music etc. After a long time I have accepted the fact that I am a loner. Most of my wonderful things happen when I am lonely, most of the time I am content when I am alone and most of the time I am myself when there is no body around. I have contradictory habits and instincts, in spite being a loner I am a complete extrovert, those who know about me know more than ninety percent about me while many make me wonder by knowing me more than myself. Unpredictable, yes I am, funny I think I am, lazy, I am certain I am, talkative; I have no doubts, loner yes I know that. Someone who likes to stay at home trying to avoid even a phone call, thinks the weekend is the wasted one if even a small piece of work has to be done. Someone, who reads like crazy at one time and disconnects from books for months. Someone who gets deprived of a good sleep just because he thinks too much. Someone who has a habit to evaluate every other person he can remember who he saw or talked in the day and ponder why did they do what they did? In their smallest gesture I try to evaluate them yet without any iota of intention to be judgmental. I evaluate them just as I read the characters in books many time trying to fit them into the shoes of character they resemble. After all the world’s a stage. When I see a kid cry, I want to capture his expression, I want to count the creases that come to his face, I want to see the shape of the tear drops that trickle down his cheek, I want to measure the radius of his open mouth, I like to observe the posture of his hand and I don’t know what do I do with these observations, may be use them to shoo away my sleep. These are not the behavior I have adopted with intention probably they are in my DNA. Probably this can also be a proof of my being a loner but I have no-one to prove this; I don’t need to. Is this right? But there is nothing like right or wrong in this world, what a majority thinks is adaptable that becomes right. Right and wrong are our own terms. In many cases this is right instead of that because our ancestors had been evaluating thus. Who is to judge for me what is right and what is wrong? It is not necessary that whatever a majority says is ‘right’. When there are no physical evidences to support ones point nothing can be right or wrong others are just logic and they are beyond the notion of right or wrong. I am just who I am neither wrong neither right. One can judge for me but I am not complied to agree with what other judges for me though another fact is also there that I may not be able to resist as well, yet I can hold on to my belief.
I have been jubilant like a child and depressed like a culprit whose turn it is to stand before the noose while his beloved family is staring at him and he cannot prove his innocence. I have lived with expected ones and the unexpected ones either. Like all there have been regularities there have been surprises, I have taken them as part of life. Many times I have wondered if it’s worth living and many times I have worried I should die sooner or later. My life is no different than others if it is not similar. I might look different but my prejudices, convictions, and understandings match with one or other. I am a no competitor because I am no participant. If one considers me to be part of the marathon after watching me run while others are running as well, I can’t control what others do. I do not run to win anyone, I am just moving because behind me everything is falling apart. I cannot stay at where I am not only because it will fall too but because I like moving. Where I have to reach and where I will reach depends on the path I take at crossroads, if at the end I end up standing before another of my kind it will only be a coincidence and nothing more. I do not want to bother if my move is my move for my existence or my move to an end. Ultimately its an end that we reach whether we like it or not. In the journey to meet our end we have no alternative but to adapt that journey. The adaption can be sweet can be bitter, I count myself no-one to be in the capacity to tell why these adaptation can be sweet for some bitter for others. Anyways thorns and roses are part of the journey.