A challenge

Blurred image of my mother’s face, washed in tears was the only thing that was visible amid white abstract visions. The background was noisy, I could only hear “son the doctor says you can’t be treated here.” I was blinded once again, the shots of anesthesia had left very little consciousness. What came to my mind was the picture of my then 8 months daughter’s laughter. They say one can see picture of god, here I stand as a proof, I saw god. I saw god in my child, in that smiling image, I felt the delicate gouch of the brightest skin, saw a glimpse of life in those sparkling eyes. She extended her hands and in my subconscious I leapt forward and it was dark again. I opened my eyes in an obscure environment, my tears gathered disturbing sounds, noises, I was in another hospital, in the emergency ward. The pain that had made me wish death was not there or probably I was not in a state to realize that. I looked for the image again, I tried to make that image, it was more blurred, I could only make a guess of my god. I could remember what my mother had said earlier “son the doctor says you can’t be treated here”, I thought I was dying or may be I was already dead. When I would try to open my eyes, the bright light from the fluorescent bulb irritated me. So many things ran across my eyes, some of them real perhaps and some of them hallucinations. Yesterday I filed a complaint at my office citing my dissent on the way promotion had been granted a month back. A month had elapsed and the turbulence had torn me apart. Some nights I slept and some nights passed awake. I would woke up with headache, with hopelessness with confidence that was fading everyday. I would look at my daughter’s eyes in apathy. She would leap forward to play with me, I ignored her. The decision to file complaint was not easy, putting my career at stake was not easy, the uneasiness at workplace was predictable. I knew and I had convinced myself that they will leave me to rot in the same position without any increment, without any motivation till uncertainty. With rampant abuse of authority and lack of transparency in the decision making process, I would be tagged as someone who had challenged the unchallengeable management, to bow before their altar. With rules made to be broken to leave room for them to do whatever they want they will try to wring the neck of my career. Then once again in memory I found myself in the subconscious state in the hospital. I remembered what I saw in the reverie. When at the point, when I thought I was dying I didn’t think of anything but my daughter what is there for me is to loose. Death is universal, I skipped it then but I won’t be able to skip it forever. I know if I had to die this very moment I won’t again remember my job, I won’t regret promotion, so what is there to worry about it so much. Then, if I had to remember one thing I could be proud of I would have nothing. The gold medals won, the rewards received, the certificates of appreciation they won’t make me proud then. I remember once I was walking with mum, I was peeling off an orange but a small girl, a beggar extended her hand not much younger than me. I don’t know why but I had a strong urge to give that orange to that girl and I just gave the orange to the little child. She took away with a fulfilling expression. I was probably not even 10 at that time. That was only moment in my entire life of which I can feel proud. At the age of 30 I have just one moment of pride, one moment of glory, what a waste of life. In the life once lived there is just a single incidence of glory, what a pity? I suffered in indecision, should I fight against what I think of as injustice. No, at the death bed I do not think of job and what is there to regret even if I loose it, at least I will add another incidence of glory. The result is not important but what is important is the fact that I fought for what I think is right. The notion of right or wrong is just interpretation, what I interpret as right can be interpreted as wrong by another. Sticking to an idea despite knowing it is wrong is a bad idea but sticking to it with belief that you are right is courage, for this I have decided I will fight.