I am rotting

While coming to office today I was introspecting on my job. It was only after seeing the college students watching their exam questions. Its been almost three years since I left college. I received the award for best student of our batch. I was good at so many things they thought. My pursuit of IT as a career was just a desperate move not any conscious decision, luckily I could do well. Literally I fell in love with programming specially database programming. In college one had to labor hard to be in the top because there was a top position in the college. I had to follow the change if I wanted to be at the top. I started with C then C++, then Visual Basic and finally .NET. There was a never dying zeal to learn new things. The day we couldn’t be receptive to new topics new ideas somebody else will score higher. We had no option but to learn.
Even in competitive jobs one has to be receptive to new things. He/she has to keep himself/herself updated with new things. Especially if one is in the field of IT than updating oneself is the only tool to survive. However I being employed in office which has me without a vision, I come here everyday, browse the internet, write blogs, read news and return home, survival is not a problem. There is no ‘top’ position for which I have to compete. Possibly my relationship with my seniors is the mantra to rise. I am getting outdated, I never feel necessary to update myself. Unless I can use what I know and unless I am tried and tested I do not feel the necessity to update myself. I feel I am rotting. I remember a question during the interview for this job. I was asked why you are leaving the bank to join us though it pays you more than we do. I had replied: I am in the age where more than money I should look for my career, this office promises me that because it has just began the process of computerization. When one nurtures something from the time it was conceived, he/she will become expert in the task. One year has passed away and I find nothing challenging. I though I should get a side job, I want to work in the private sector. Its not that I didn’t get any offer but they all have been rather unconvincing. My friends say I should consider going abroad but I am not being able to take any decision. One of my uncles wrote to me if I want I could apply to Korea for further education and he will help me.
Remaining unemployed is a real pain but its more painful when you have nothing to do in your job especially when you have joined the job with great enthusiasm. Sometime I feel, I was ditched by luck for getting job. Had I not got job I would have applied somewhere else. Most of my batch mates who could not get job went abroad and they say they have challenges in life. But again if the challenge is to make ones two end meet then to hell with the challenge. I think for most of my friends the challenge is not in their job but the challenge is in their survival. They will come here with few dollars and flaunt it here. People here will get jealous for their money and they will feel jealous for the quality life of people here. If I was to make other feel jealous its possibly the quality of life.
I do not struggle here for food, I struggle here for identity, to imply what I know, what I have learnt. I do not want to sit idle. To receive salary for a month when there is not enough work even for a week is painful. I am rotting. I am losing the fire to learn, I am losing the enthusiasm to strive harder, and I am losing the confidence to change. I have started living in the status quo. Neither is it giving me monetary satisfaction nor the satisfaction I seek by working. I am losing myself. I am desperate.