And again

Yes again I saw you in a dream. This time I was telling you how much I loved you and how it was becoming so difficult to live without you in my life. I have no clue how the brain functions, how the memories are layered. I was back in time, I was not married and you were not married. The life I have now didn't exist in that dream. You were indifferent to my plea. There were other people I didn't know as if it was a function. My dream broke and opened my eyes in a dimly lit dawn. My hands grabbed my phone, I looked for you in the internet. You had posted a new photo with your husband. You looked the same, you had a serious smile as they always had been. I scrolled through few pictures and then I came across your family photo, your mum-dad, husband, son, sisters, neices and nephews. I tried to get back to sleep because my conscious mind knew whatever I was doing was meaningless.
But why these dreams? Why do they recur? I don't say I see you in every dream or I see you in dream every day or every week or every month, but yes the dreams recur. Is it some sense of defeat that I have hidded deep inside, is it my male-ego. I don't think of you everyday, I would say I am happy with my family, I love my wife, love my daughter. I want to know the reason I keep seeing you in dream and why that dream creeps into my day, why the sadness lingers.
When I thought we loved each other neither you nor I had confessed anything. We used to have long chats in the phone yet we never talked at school. I would often find you looking at me. May be I was mistaken. But not being with you, perhaps in a way being rejected by you hurt me a lot. The roots of my restlessness, fear of losing is loss of you.
Whatever it is, I wish I had confessed, I wish I had told you. May be the dreams would stop then, may be I will be at peace. Sometime when I wander in the area of mystic, I think if spirit really existed, I would linger around just because a desire of mine to confess remained even after I died.
Yes I could confess you by sending you email, in case you use the same email-id or message you in social media, but no I have to tell you in person. Few days back I was determined and perhaps would have told you by any chance if we could talk, but I am not sure these days.
I am happy with what I have, I don't want you, I don't love you now but I want to tell you once I did, I did with all my heart. I suffered for years when our communications started to wane. 

A dayoff from work

Its a cold day here in Melbourne and the constant wind makes it still colder. I have taken a day off from work after the episode of acute pancreatitis. Yet the life has to go on. Went to the grocery with wife and remembered I had to pay the driving instructor, so went to the ATM and withdraw the money. On the way back home, I looked at the people in the street, most of them old people, in-fact almost all of them. Humped, bent, supported with stick or walker. It didn't look good at all as if life has left the world, the world seemed to have been sluggish. Few exceptions were women probably in their maternal leave. The church looked empty too. Its good to be God, you have to work two days a week, Saturdays and Sundays and rest of the day is your weekend, nobody bothers you. The worry was the fact that at 35, I was among those who were in their retirement and unlike me probably none of them had any responsibilities.
Its a difficult world for an unhealthy person, as the world gets faster every day, the chances of you being left behind is really high. As the family size has shrunk and the community interaction almost non-existent, your well-being is also the well-being of your family. Being ill is not something one can afford. Being ill is being pushed behind and its not only you who is pushed behind but your entire family. And it worries me.

Sky, kites and.......

The sun is faint, the clouds are roaring but the roar is not threatening, when the air brush me off I feel water I feel rain. Sky is cloudy, further south the blue sky peeps into the busy earth but the clouds rush to fill the gap. As they try to fill the gap, the whole part looks like an eye, deep blue eye. Few kites browse the far sky and one soars freely in the sky above me. I wonder how it feels to be free I am not saying the kite is free it is attached with a string, somebody down there is flying it at his will, he pulls the string and let's it loose. Perhaps he is tasting what it likes to fly free, what it likes to rise. The kite rises and dances forgetting its string and the hands that hold it but just a pull makes it realise the freedom is just an illusion. Similar fate is shared by the one who holds its string, he does not think about it as he flies the kite. As if his life has stopped for a while as if it is he who is flying as if he has the control on what he wants to do.
At this time the cloud do not look mightier, they struggle to pull the curtain beneath the Sun, they seem to have been able to do it but the sun tears it apart and I just imagine it as a laughing teenager over a weak troublemaker.