I shouldn't have done that

Just few days back, I boasted on my resistance to anger. I claimed how I can dodge anger and here I am lost in remorse for loosing my cool in the morning. Actually I had to reproach Sarita for ignoring works and not being in good mood. I do not do that by choice but that must have pissed me off though I was in good zeal on my way to the training institute. During the lesson we landed on a discussion, actually a colleague had bought an issue details of which won’t be interesting. It dealt with sorting the display in a web page and I wrote a code for him. While writing the code, one of my colleague started to argue before I completed the code. I should have taken that in a good sense but I utterly failed in taking the arguments in light heart. Why should I expect that others to agree with me and why can’t they comment? After all they are my colleagues not my students. I was pissed off. I have this ego that I am the most adept programmer among us (only in terms of dot Net). I do not want to be arrogant even then I can’t just take others denial of my task and others doubts on my work with light heart. Very like others I cannot notice that I am loosing my cool. In most of the cases when someone does not agree with us we take it too personally. When we argue most of us start arguing with an assumption that we are superior to the others. This feel of superiority does not let us remain in the cool spirit and the rushes of chemicals in our nerves accelerate. Before the other party gives or presents his logic we already hold an opinion that he is wrong and he does not know anything. We fail to realize that it is our logic that he is arguing, it is not us. Whenever he disagrees we assume that it is us he is questioning, it is us who he doubts. We believe he is not giving his logic to prove anything but to make us look low, embarrass us and mock us. HOW DARE HE NOT AGREE WITH ME? We are infuriated. I was just the victim of this immature ego. Is this the lack of security that I have granted myself? Is it my lack of knowledge or lack of confidence in the matter which I am defending? Probably its my confidence that is lingering. I might have doubted my armor that I can use in my defense or may be I have no armors enough to prove myself. I stop fighting to prove my point I soon channel my energies to prove myself, to prove I am superior and to send a message to my counterpart not to mess with me. Slowly my attempts are to prove him sick and worthless. Arguments only heats further. Luckily most of us know when we are losing control and we pull ourselves from resorting into violence till then enough damage has been done. Either we have challenged the self respect of other or we are head bent to give him a good lesson in the days to come.
Luckily today, I realized it was my mistake and soon repented within myself but it was clear my colleague was really fired. I can ascertain this from his tone from his language. I can catch him with his accent. Now let this not be taken as my fear from him, its just my realization. When everything had settled down and we had buried the hatchet (he was still fuming though), I thought may be I should say sorry. I was in two minds, if I say sorry it will soothe me but that will accepting that he was right, if I was not to say sorry I won’t feel good hence my ego will persist. I didn’t like to say sorry after all we never invaded personal premises, I just said stiffly that I could bet that I was right.
One thing had fumed me more than anything; he did not even try to listen to me. I explained him where he had misunderstood me; all others understood the point except for him. His obvious question was ‘how can this be?’ though I had taken the pain to explain him three times earlier. If he doesn’t understand it’s his problem, my ego had not died. I was sounding more as if I was trying to blow him rather than defend my logic, how could I behave so cynically. My fury for him had been taken over by my embarrassment. I had embarrassed myself. I behaved inappropriately.
Now even he is cool and seems to have got over with everything and I have not said sorry. I don’t know if I will say sorry or not.

My day started well

I would like to believe that I am the coolest member in my family. People become cool in many ways and they become hot in not lesser ways. Hot sounds arousing and cool sound chilled. I am cool in the sense that I don’t get angry easily. I am not hot because I myself hate watching myself in the mirror. Yes I think I am that terrible.

But as far as me resistant to anger is concerned I can boast a little. At least my mother can rarely make me angry. However she may chide me, complain about me, I look at her as if nothing has happened and I have heard nothing. Unfortunately because I do not respond she ends up getting angry and leaves me saying things that vanish before the words reach my ear. The way I do not respond makes a more effective response. If I yell back, the argument only brews up and heats and I end up breaking her heart. That does not fulfill anything and I have to do a lot to win her back. Rather than that I just watch her with my shameless eyes. One might fight against so many things shamelessness is something that no one wants to fight. And my helpless mum has to leave mumbling into the kitchen. I feel pity on her but my amusement is far more than the pity. It’s a feeling of triumph. I do have to butter her to make her forget everything. She is same mummy soon after, how can she not speak to me when I am there. See, I am a terrible son. If you want to see the laziest person in the whole earth, come to see me. I am completely mismanaged. Come to my room and see how the clothes are thrown here and there. Watch my room for wires lying like a lazy snakes all over. Watch my table and do not blame me if you find a layer of dust in it. Look into my mirror to look uglier because of the spots all over it. I change my clothes and do not care where to put them and where they are until I need it next time. Well, I will elaborate on my laziness some other time. But let me use this time trying to prove how cool I am. There are so many times when I have acted cooler than I thought I could. Today, there was a small incident.
I left my home early in the morning to catch the micro-bus from chabahil. It is not difficult to get a seat in public transport early in the morning and I got one. I am accustomed to paying ten rupees from chabahil to ghantaghar, so when the conductor asked me for the fare I handed him 10 Rs. and I just forgot it. Few minutes later the conductor handed me three rupees back, being a good citizen, I told him I had given him ten rupees and I am from chabahil. By that I meant he had made a mistake and he didn’t have to return me anything. Now, I don’t know what was the state of the conductor, he was furious. ‘Didn’t u give me ten rupees?’ his voice was raised. ‘Do you want to travel free?’ he shot another question before I could say anything. I preferred to remain numb and after all it was his loss. I wondered why he got angry. Then I realized that students get around thirty percent discount in public transport and he had certainly assumed me a student. I looked at my shirt, it was like that of a college (in fact it is my college shirt, I have forgotten to grow up long before I was in college). A bag that normally a college student carries was lying in my lap and I had shaved just yesterday. I am small, in college shirt, with a bag and probably look younger oops I was a student. He was asking for identity card to all others who were telling they were student but he didn’t feel it was necessary to ask me. Then why did he yell at me, I found the answer. He thought when I said I had given him ten rupees and was from chabahil he thought I was asking for more return. Already the conductors are agitated as most of the passengers hand him an identity card with the fare. More than the real students, other people use the concession facility in public transport. Whether it is a professor or an old lady who must have left studies years ago have identity cards in their hand. Sometime the passengers who cannot read their own name have identity card of a graduate student.
I had to get off and while getting off I told the conductor that I was no student and he shouldn’t have got tempered. Before he could understand the driver had pushed the accelerator and the three rupees remained with me. So, the day has started as a lucky day.