A day in life

 

Something stuck on his molar from the lunch earlier. He was struggling to get it out, rolling his tongue around the molar. Too lazy after a tiring week, he didn’t want to go and grab a tooth peek. Sometimes trying to resolve small problems give minuscular joys and overcoming those gives sense of achievement however small it might be. Afterall it’s the purpose that we seek for our life, make a name for ourselves before we share our farewell with the world. Finally the molar was free and he felt a joy.

It was warm outside, the light reflected by the Solar panels from his neighbour was an invitation by the nature to soak in the glory of the warm Australian Sun. He was inside the blanket, it was warm but there is no comparison between the warmth of Sun and a blanket, how can it be. Yet he didn’t rise rather pulled his blanket, a momentary warmth was enough and he gave up the idea of going outside.

Children no longer needed his care, the daughter was 15 and the Son was 18. The missus was at work. She works on weekends because the pay is higher in weekends. It is difficult to remember when they were home together for the full day without stressing his brain.

The bell chimed, “Rohan!!!” he called his son. No answer. He knew before he called that there will be no answer. The headphone would have isolated Rohan from the “noise” of rest of the world, or the sound of his video games would have taken over his auditory faculties. Yet human is a creature of habit and he had to yell. He got up and let his daughter in, no words exchanged, he had a quick look at her face trying to catch her sight but no. He closed the door and Ayesha, his daughter had vanished to her room, door shut.

A memory of his earliest days in India rushed to his consciousness. He used to live in college hostel but later moved to a rented apartment with few other students. While other students were replaced by another set of other students he stayed in the apartment. At one point he knew no one in the apartment. Only a smile to acknowledge each other presence. Today at this moment his home felt same except there was no “smile” for courtesy. It felt as if there were four strangers living under the roof.

Boxes from Amazon lied unopened in the passage, someone had bought something online on impulse and now didn’t care about it now. There were dishes on the sink. He yelled “Aisha you said you will do the dishes today!!!”, no reply. “Aisha”

“Its Rohan’s turn today” finally came the reply, followed by “No I did it on Wednesday.” The dishes won’t be done. Rajani doesn’t like dirty dishes when she is back. Of course she won’t after a hard-day work. If she find dirty dishes it will instantly turn her mood off, her monologues laden with complaints which will start with dirty dishes but then encompass almost all the maladies of life will be unbearable. Its not for love, but for pity and to avoid complaints he did the dishes.

On the wall hung a picture of the day they were married, then the picture of little Rohan, the picture of new born Ayesha. He wondered when he decided to get married he had imagined his life this way, or did he imagine his life 19 years from that day. Young, thin and brimming with happiness he had started his married life, today he has just gotten used to it. His marriage is just like his age, he carries it. It has become part of him, he doesn’t think about it, doesn’t appreciate it but seems indifferent. He doesn’t want to think whether he loves Rajani or not, he knows it will be difficult if not impossible without her, he cannot imagine his life without her, yet there is no speciality, no yearning for it. What has become his life? What makes a group of people living together a family? Blood relation, social relation. Obviously not it’s the emotional attachment. Do we have any emotional attachment left? His answer will be affirmative but with room for confusion.

Earlier when he used to get frustrated with the children he used to say, its for you we came to this unknown country leaving everything behind and look what you are doing. You have no appreciation. Its for your future we made sacrifices and look at you, how reckless you are, how careless you are.

These were also the words from his parents when he was growing up. His own reflection reminded him of his late dad. He has become his dad, in face, in behaviour, and worse of all in his thinking. Why worse, because he was stuck in past. But later he realized he didn’t come to Australia for the children. Ayesha was born in Australia. Coming to Australia for the sake of children is just an excuse immigrants make to hide what they thought was their own failure. They came with a dream which didn’t realize and they consoled themselves with “only if” statement. Life we live is rarely the life we would have dreamt. We had our own house back home in Nepal, no mortgage, many of those who stayed behind seem happy back home. So what have we gained coming to Australia mortgage, uncertainty and constant turmoil. Why did we come then? Our excuse “for children”

He told himself it was not for children did he come to Australia, it was for himself. He thought it would be better in Australia. Even being the only child didn’t make him hesitate before he decided to move to Australia. He didn’t get admission so he made Rajani apply and luckily she got the admission.  He had left 2 years Rohan with his parents.

Why should he expect anything from his children when he wasn’t there when his father passed away, and only for about 10 days before his mother. He doesn’t lay blame to himself. When his father passed away, he had just returned to Nepal after staying in Australia for more than two years.

As for his mother, she didn’t want to come to Australia after his father passed away, she rather wanted to settle in Devghat. He had tried his best to convince her to come to Australia. When she got ill she didn’t even want to let him know, only after she was hospitalized he learnt about his mother and had immediately flown back. She won’t speak and he wasn’t sure if she didn’t speak deliberately or she couldn’t speak. Day before she passed away she had looked at him, those dry and tired eyes looked deep into soul, few tears dropped. She had held his hands and he had kissed her forehead. Next day she was gone. He dreams of her often, clad in a bright red shawl and red vermillion on her forehead, as if she has just escaped from one of the old photos taken few days after her marriage. She will simply stare at him, he wouldn’t see himself in the dream but he knew she was staring at her. Then sometimes he would dream of her old and frail, her hair white like snow, her eyes deep like the well in his ancestral home. She wouldn’t utter a single word. Her gaze was the same as it was on the day before her death. She looked full of love in dream and it seemed she wanted to say something. He wondered if she wanted to ask him to stay in Nepal with her but couldn’t, did she blame him for his father’s death, or is there any other reasons he had failed her. He couldn’t fathom but the dreams won’t stop, everytime he dreamt of her it was one of the two, his young mother or an old version of her. Rarely did he see his father in his dreams, when he saw him he saw him happy talking with others. He would see his mother in those dreams as well but he never saw his face. He wouldn’t understand why in any of these dreams he wouldn’t see himself. Is it because he had left them? Are those dreams, his guilt in hiding.

 

Vipassana

 

Technically this was my second Vipassana course, but as per the rules this was my first. This so happened that in the year 2019, I registered for a 10 days course. Whatever the ups and downs there were I was on the 9^th day. I was excited and happy that the treacherous journey was coming to an end, and here and there I thought I experienced something different, and spent some time like a monk. So I have split this write-up into parts, first time and second time.

First Time

Early morning after our breakfast, I was just strolling, examining myself, trying not to entangled in the excitement of finally meeting my family and sharing my experiences with friends and family. This was exactly what we were trying to learn, to understand everything is transitory, clinging to these impermanent thing is the root cause of unhappiness. The emergency alarm bell rang incessantly and everyone hurried to the meditation hall. We were told that lockdown had been announced in Victoria, and the course had to be called off, noble silence ceased with that announcement.

On the 8^th day I had a fleeting thought that the course was ending, and a wish lighted, I wished there were few more days. Only from 7^th day I had actually started liking it. I was settled down, think past the pain in the body or should I say rest my mind once in a while and loose a sense of space and time.

So on 9^th day we returned home with a very brief closure. As I look back the ego had already taken over, I was elated, excited and what not. This happiness unfortunately was not for the experience, not for learning new thing, not for discovering something in me of which I was unaware. Reflections now tell me, I had neither learnt new thing, discovered nothing new about myself or had a taste of any nectar. I returned home happy and calm. This calmness was again not because I had discovered anything but just hangover of 9 days of complete silence, strict routine, and lack of interaction. There was no new version of me. That was reality and I will try to get into some details. But this is about me, my observations of people, of things and my interpretation so simply put my truth.

Before I move on to my latest 10 days course, I should still elaborate on my first experience. I was excited and I had expectations too. At that time, I had become health conscious, I was running every morning, kept a track of what I was eating and was in a very positive state of mind having lost 10+ kg in a mere 2 months. Vipassana was another milestone. I had heard about Vipassana for a long time, back home I was in Nepal. Once even enquired the possibility of registering but that for some reason didn’t materialize. The impetus this time were the books I was reading, I had completed all three books by Yuval Noah Harari and was impressed. He had dedicated one of his books to S.N. Goenka who set into motion the long lost Vipassana technique.

Though any sort of exercise is prohibited, walking was allowed and since I didn’t want to give up my running journey, I would always be walking briskly between the breaks, stretching my body or perhaps doing Surya-Namaskar and all. On the third day the manager told me gently that with those activities I might not grab the full benefits of Vipassana, and that is when I stopped those regiment. I would still walk but this time with mindfulness and awareness. This gave me time to introspect, look at things and remove some weeds from my sub-conscious, revisit and revise my perspectives, it was really nice. That continued for the entire stay. While these reflections outside the meditation sessions were nice, they were also interfering with the meditation. These introspections brought so many things in forefront and my mind will be busy with those, it was overwhelming to deal with the flux of memories. Even during meditation settings my mind won’t calm. This led to frustration and all, eventually on 7^th day I was at peace. During the breaks when I used to walk, I would rather focus on what was in front of me, looked at the milieu, the grass I was walking on, the birds, the rabbits, insects rather than anything personal. I would be back indulging in self reflections but as soon as I realized I would divert my mind.

When I looked at other people I couldn’t help but judge them. They looked so sad and many of them looked like addicts, mental patients. They were expressionless, I wouldn’t say calm but I realized it was error of judgement as I was comparing them and their visible attributes with the excitement, happiness that was within myself. es with the excitement, happiness that was within myself. I was happy

I was happy  when I was not in the meditation hall. In the meditation hall it was boring, the mind was flying like a kite whose thread had been broken and there was no one controlling it. It will move with the wind, no direction of its own. A minute looked like an hour and I would be desperately waiting for the gong to go off. Strangely I was however able to maintain a stable posture throughout the sessions. It was very funny when those who sat around me told me on the 9^th day that I seemed to be the only one who was reaping the benefits of meditation and always at trance. I was able to fake it.

1^st day passed almost without much notice, I was simply excited for the experience that awaited (which never came), the boredom started to pick from 2^nd day. The anapana thing still made sense but it was boring, I had already getting the proper sensations where I was expected, repeating it was loathsome. 3^rd day I was questioning my decision, I was convinced this technique made no sense. The only thing I was convinced will help me was getting off the grid i.e. the digital detoxication and the silence. The meditation and the discourse were the real illusion rather than those SN Goenka was talking about in his discourse. I didn’t go to the meditation hall in one of the sessions when the teacher won’t be there. I basically slept in my dorm. I told myself let me wait till 5^th day as Vipassana was yet to start and that might have different experience.

4^th day afternoon Vipassana started. That morning also I had not attended the morning session the one before the breakfast. Vipassana was a new thing so 4^th day passed easily but during the discourse I was back with my doubts. But I told myself that I will give it a fair try on 5^th day. There were many students who had already taken the course, so I argued with myself if they had not found anything beneficial why would they come again. When I looked at my fellow meditators they seemed to be enjoying it. It was only me, the impatient me.

5^th day was a little bit of change, it was not so boring and I would still wait for the gong to go off but unlike previous days I wouldn’t be desperate. But that remained just for half of the day, it was becoming unbearable, and the body ache was making it worse.

The worst was the 6^th day. I was agitated, with myself for making such a blunder. I was sitting there doing nothing, I was not able to concentrate, struggling to calm my mind and to bring it in control or alternatively simply not care what my mind was doing.

What was the point I was asking, I could have rather stayed home, that would have been more relaxing. Shun my mobile, internet at home and just read books, spend time with my daughter and wife it would have been more meaningful and yet I had put myself through this torture. Now I was determined during the lunch I will tell the co-ordinator that I wanted to go. While having lunch my ego was hurt, what would my friends say, my relatives say. They will laugh at me, after all that hullabaloo I had given up. The ego supressed everything and the second round of determination took over. This determination was to save my ego and nothing else.

Day 7, at 4:30 AM I was in the hall, in a lotus posture upright and resolute. Perhaps was sleeping through that session too. I didn’t think much about it during the breakfast, washed some cloth that didn’t even need washing just to save myself from indulging in silly thoughts and dive into memories web. Strangely the 8:00-9:00 session was much easier to the extent that I thought I had experienced something different, and this was what I was meant to experience. The experience must have been for 5 minutes or even less but I thought it was worth it. Now when I remember it, it could have been a small moment of peace, happiness or tranquil after so many days of confusion, irritation. As soon as I experienced it and it had been swept into the memories, I retrieved it immediately sugar-coated it. The experience that was a simple happy moment was now the promised joy, the nectar, the bliss and the connection to the universe. This was simply the mind playing the game, and I was enjoying it. Perhaps that was enough for me give up on the idea of quitting. I was telling myself, oh the bliss is true, I can’t quit now. I have to taste it again, this will be liberation, the joy. Basically I was happy to just assume to break the new shackles and chain myself with new one. Oh human conditions.

8^th day I was already worried that the course was ending, only two days were left. Then on 9^th we had to leave.

On my way home I was glad I made it, I had stories of my experiences to tell, I was overflowing with excitement. That 5 minutes of good feeling had washed away 6 days of pain, irritation and doubt. This I thought was what keeps us living. We might be pessimistic at conscious level but at the subconscious level we still have expectations of reward or perhaps its simply the fear of death that we keep living.

I told my wife and daughter about my experiences, poured my memories to my friends. Everything good was said yet not forgetting to telling again and again it was painful and how the survival is difficult. I was basically telling them how I was tough, I was someone who didn’t give up, I went through adversity and triumphed. After fanning my ego, I still had to reconcile with the reality, those 9 days were like dreams and we live in reality not in dreams. Next morning I woke up little disconnected. It felt empty, I felt out-of-place. I was not stopping yesterday and yet today I didn’t know what to speak about. I felt that was not the reality or was confused what reality actually was. All my life my priorities had been that of a common man, I loved my family, I enjoyed sensual pleasures, I relished in good food, I was elated on success and felt worthless on failures, my own value was the value the society gave me. That was my reality in the last 9 days I was told that was old thought pattern and the reason of misery. Rather than experiencer we should simply be observer and always be aware that everything is impermanent. So reconciling was difficult. A seemingly reasonable self of mine was telling me this was reality, 9 days were dream, I live in society and with my family, if I falter my family will suffer. I cannot simply give-up things and become a monk, even the course did not want me to do that. But how do I practice impermanence and equanimity in this life where I have to pay mortgage, I have people who depend on me, I have to earn to live, participating in competition is not a choice, the rat race is not a choice and on top of that I am an average man, risk averse, with worldly attachments.

At work it felt same, people seem to be speaking through me, seeing through me at times. I could not concentrate, and could not pick from where I had left. Many things seemed new, vague. It was not peace, it was more chaos. It took me few more days to get back in real, but I was back.

Many others seemed to have felt the same. To satisfy my ego I can say the course changed me, I started looking at things objectively. I can say I am less effective by events, by glory and by gloom but I would be lying. Many a time to validate what we did we make things up, we hype the experience, we sugarcoat events and people. I have done that, that is just our intrinsic nature, we can’t change it and it is not our fault. We have been made so by thousand and thousands years of evolution, mutation it can’t change easily in 10 days. Small changes here and there might come but we have to be conscious every time on every action of ours. How many times do we do things knowing it is not the right thing even when we are actually doing it? We might have yelled at our Children, just realizing this is not right when we are actually yelling. It seems helpless. It is very difficult but I think I am convinced that there is no free will yet in day to day life I blame myself and others as if they did it on volition.

Second time

I wanted to complete the course and I had missed it by a day. We were told we had actually completed the course, and we can do the same thing at home that we had done on the 8^th day. Again the ego was not satisfied so I had registered for the course. I was on the waiting list and as the days got closer and closer, I had started becoming indifferent on whether I will be accepted or not. My wife didn’t want me to go this time as we needed to change many things specially around our daughter. Perhaps that was one of the reasons why I was indifferent to the acceptance this time around. Eventually I got the confirmation, and that didn’t trigger any excitement or sadness. Either I knew in my subconscious that I will be accepted or may be I actually didn’t want to be accepted so the acceptance didn’t bring any excitement. I was not sad either.

Unlike last time I didn’t do any preparation, didn’t buy anything new, didn’t do any packing before an hour, and also went lighter than last time. Two trousers, three tees, 3 under-wears, bodywash, tooth-brush, tooth paste, an alarm clock, a pair of slipper, few pairs of socks and a shorts. On my way I talked to my parents, my wife and my daughter. The ask was to reach the meditation centre at 4:00 PM but I knew from the last time that people arrived much later as well. I reached there at 3:45 PM. Called my wife one last time before switching off and handing over the mobile phone to the manager. It felt lighter, we have become slaves of technology. It took half a million year for the human race to arrive at the age of Industrial Revolution as if we had been slowly preparing ourselves for it. However in last two centuries, we made so much progress that it might have been difficult to our mind and to our body to adapt to it. Specially our mind, such that there is always a conflict. When we settled for agriculture 10000 years back, we also freed ourselves from always being at alert for food, for hunt, for protection. Mind was not developed to be free, it always had to be at work, so when we became free the mind started jumping between past and future. It got time to compare, to wish, to crave, to cling and the predicament of human was determined.

The course claims to have been developed by Siddhartha Gotama himself, the Buddha, 2500 years ago. The course is about mind, so even 2500 years earlier as well man was worried about mind or should I say mind worried man. Perhaps their major concern that time was what they did daily didn’t align with what was there in scripture. Despite knowing they were not doing it the way their scripture wanted or their Gurus wanted they couldn’t help themselves. They could not get rid of greed, lies, sexual misconduct, hatred, violence, something kept pulling them to these defilements. Morality was mostly guided by scriptures back then, men thought less independently. Now with almost 8 billion human in Earth, struggling for resource among themselves and with the nature the problem has simply multiplied. As consumerism keeps growing, as celebrity culture keeps growing and the desire to show I am not any less keeps growing the problems of mind keeps growing too.

This time I didn’t have any expectations and no excitement. I knew from my previous experience that it was going to be difficult but at the same time I knew I won’t be quitting. I was not looking for any enlightenment or awakening because I no longer believed in those. I had planned what I will do though. I thought away from the rest of the world, I will introspect. This time I had assured myself, I won’t feel guilty for not being able to concentrate and for loosing myself in memories. Basically I didn’t carry any mental baggage. At the same time, I also promised that I will be more serious in the process and give it a fair chance. Practice mindfulness as much as possible when not in meditation.

One thing I didn’t want to do was to talk to anyone on the day of arrival. We are social by instinct, we seek for others like us, if I talk to anyone on the day 0, the chances of me looking for them would be higher. No new connections. That went for a toss when I sat in my assigned place for the dinner (On first day and the last day dinner is given). Four of us sat around the same table and we introduced ourselves. Then there was a brief orientation and shortly noble silence started. The only people I could talk to was the manager and the teacher.

I was assigned a room and it was decent, afterall I would only sleep in this room or take brief rest. I didn’t want to meditate in the room because for me meditation in the room meant sleeping. My alarm was set at 3:45 AM, though the gong will go off at 4:00 AM, I wanted to wake up earlier and take a bath.

I didn’t have a good sleep and the alarm woke me up at 3:45 AM. I was already in my room by 4:10 AM. The Gong went off at 4:00 AM, then again at 4:20 AM asking us to be at the meditation hall. I went to the meditation hall. We started with “ana-pana” and it was easy to follow instruction and I was finding sensations here and there. During “Ana-pana” the participants are asked to try to feel the breathing or sensations it produces between the region above the upper-lips and little above the nostrils. Though I could feel sensations I was confused whether they were real sensations or I was simply making those up.

The other thing that hit me hard was, I was no longer able to sit in the same position with folded legs for more than 15 minutes. I had knee pain, numbness and all. I was getting older at faster rate. It was irritating. Day 1 ended with no drama and nothing new. During intervals I was walking slowly, mindfully and like a very weak person who had just started walking. I didn’t spend anytime in introspection. I fell asleep quickly.

Day 2 was not any different, at 6:30 we had breakfast, as usual there was Porridge, yoghurt, cereals, fruits, soup made from lemon, plum and peach. Then there were bread of various types jams, marmalade, peanut butter, vegemite, butter etc along with tea, coffee, milk and so on. “Ana-pana” continued, I kept struggling to keep myself still. I was still getting confused on the sensations as there were too many and nothing consistent, but that is what happens and expected as well, yet I was looking for a consistent sensation.

Just after first session past lunch, I sat again for another round of “Ana-pana”, this time the sensation was same, the location was same but I managed to think the experience was different. Ana-pana is not supposed to bring you any experience but to help you concentrate and prepare you for vipassana. It was momentary less than a minute but for some unknown reason I liked it.

Day 3 was day 2 on repeat except that I didn’t have any pleasant experience, and I was already getting bored. The worst thing was my shoulder blades were in lot of pain. This pain was not letting me concentrate, I stacked cushions, rested my hands and none seemed to help. Though I had no feeling of leaving but I thought may be this is again a futile tryst. I then asked myself what was I expecting, I didn’t have any expectations but that didn’t mean I had anticipated this pain, I wasn’t expecting this pain either. My introspection began after that, I was flying the kites of my memories higher and higher. At times I was digging my memories harder and faster. There were treasures of course, treasures of my childhood, of people, of heartbreaks. I tried to remember so many things, so many events, so many people and followed them wherever they led. There were immediate past and there were farther past. This journey was not completed in a day, this journey continued over the period of time perhaps till day 9.

Dreams were vivid, the characters came out of any combination, they had no shame, no shyness, they were brute, they were meaningless or they spoke or illustrated in signs and actions that were very difficult to decipher. One day I saw a snake slithering over my chest, black, spotted snake. I woke up frightened and then it took me a while to go back to sleep.

Day 4 was just another day, except that the vipassana session started after lunch. It was a very hot day, and it was dry. The sky looked cruel, the hillocks on the other side seemed to be asking for help. It was nasty. I also realised that I had been doing vipassana wrong all the way from the first time. I felt like a fool. I was trying to follow the sensations throughout my body and then scanning it with my eyes closed just like the gatekeeper at the airport scans you with their instruments.

4^th day was eventless in the sense that I didn’t experience anything nor did I had any doubts on my decision to join vipassana.

5^th day was hotter, I didn’t even want to open my eyes, everything looked so bright, so bright that it seemed like burning. That day I missed home, I was sweating everywhere. After lunch I sneaked into my room and turned the fan and sat there. The gong went off, and I had to be hall. Its not the meditation that I didn’t want this time, the idea I had to walk almost 2 minutes to the hall amidst the Sun scared me.

I was there in the hall with closed eyes and with determination that had come out of nowhere. And when I opened my eyes later I had memories of loosing the sense of space and time, as if floating. I was not asleep and I knew that, where was I in that period and how long was that period. My mind had played game is what I think. For sometime after that I felt I could feel my neurons firing, there were sensations abundant of them. It took a while for the gong to go off so I guess the moment was brief. This time I didn’t want to get up, open my eyes, I wanted to sit as is. My shoulder blades were in pain yet I could neglect that. I remained there for a while. My brain was playing it big, then I realised it must be the sweat, the itchiness and the stickiness.

That was one-off experience and never felt anything similar. I was asking myself brain and mind are cause and effect. Mind is created by brain, brain takes the inputs from senses and depending on the action potential triggers so many things that might trigger an action, a thought and thus the mind. In the meditation we were observing our sensations, and our minds but then who is it that observes. Who puts an effort to observe whats going on? So that’s consciousness. Now what is consciousness was my question and I had two possibilities. One its just another effect of brain, so the brain spawns two active workers one is the consciousness and the other is mind. The consciousness is the superior worker, it’s the manager and it keeps a check on mind, it also perhaps keeps a check on senses but ultimately reports everything to brain. It is living while mind is just a slave. “Self” is then combination of brain and this consciousness.

The other possibility is this consciousness is perhaps a living and aware entity that the brain doesn’t have control over. When we are alert, and living based on the livefeed from our surroundings putting the memories on the back-seat we are living with consciousness and that is when we can probably take the reigns in our hand. In this case, “self” is this conscious entity.

Then what are we, mind or consciousness? It varies moment after moment. For example, my daughter often comes to me for help with her assignments, when I am working my response is more to get her off my back, when I am free I look at her questions carefully perhaps even re-read it, understand it and try to give her the solution. In the first case I am my mind while in the later I am my consciousness.

I think most of us and certainly me are our minds. From my example above living as a consciousness is more appealing, but I can’t be sure because I believe almost all of us have always lived in our minds and with our minds. We have survived and evolved as the most superior being in the planet. Or is it that those negligible human who have lived on consciousness or those negligible moments where we were consciousness made us who we are and when we live on the mercy of our minds we are simply herds.

When do we live on consciousness then, when we are in life threatening moment, when we are deeply engrossed in the sport we are playing or the work we are doing etc.

Can we live on consciousness every moment? I am not sure of this either it would be very resource (energy) intensive living or may be we can train our mind. Does meditation do that? They say it does, I don’t believe.

 6^th day was relatively cooler in terms of weather but was the most miserable among the days I spent this time around. I had played so much with the thoughts that my mind was too excited like a child who had got a new toy. It was jumping with joy and I couldn’t hold it still. I had all my energy wasted while my mind was going wild, it was on steroids.

Remaining days were ok, there were some good moments but mostly they were boring. I hated the morning chants so on 7^th and 9^th I sneaked to my room and slept just to be awaken by the  breakfast call at 6:30.

As far as discourses and instructions are concerned the former can be entertaining a little informative as well (I am refraining from using the term knowledge) but the later is certainly monotonous and irritating.

I would also like to comment on the secular nature of the course. Everyday during the discourse it is stressed that the course is secular. The course certainly doesn’t ask you to be a Buddhist and the teacher himself (S.N. Goenka) is Hindu but it talks about Buddha’s teaching and how he was the only one to offer this experience etc. so I would say you can call it biased. The stories are from Jatakas and are popular among the buddhist community but like many religious stories most of them does not seem logical.

After the mornings “Addithana” sitting on the 10^th day the noble silence was lifted outside the meditation hall and immediately the silent environment burst in laughter and chattering. Everyone was sharing information with another. Everyone I talked to with exceptions of the ones who had done the courses 5 times, 10 times or 25 times were sharing how much peace they felt, and how they felt different etc. It reminded me of my first course. I had to validate my decision and make it look meaningful and fruitful, I was blowing up my experience. It was not intentional and I realized it only after few weeks of practicing, I had not changed and I had not experienced anything different. The only new thing I had was a technique to do meditation, I had more information.

I have no doubt that the movement was put on motion by Goenka with selflessness and to help others because it had helped him, his mother and he had seen it help others. I am myself not very spiritual person and I need to have logical explanation of things. I can’t follow others for what they simply say. The thing that I enjoy in Vipassana is the detachment from the World for few days, it gives me ample amount of time to introspect and maybe unknowingly brings change in my behaviour due to this introspection. As far as meditation itself is concerned, everyone is different, I haven’t been able to believe that it can connect one with the truth and make realize there is something beyond you that is omnipotent or anything.

If one needs meditation to be compassionate, to be humble then I think that person can never be compassionate and humble. We are however human and we misunderstand things, make wrong judgments so introspection and analysis can make one realise their mistake and look at the larger picture.  

Ah you...

I know you are coming
for I have been happy
for I have been happy for many days
the house brightens with my unreasonable giggles
and the unjustified laughter
nothing that I have gained
nothing that has been bestowed upon me
I have just been happy and wild
and I know you are coming
for I have been mocking life
just like the way you mock me
I wish I was peaceful and calm
rather than happy and unruly
may be your eyes fail you
but your ears are sharp
you can't see me smile
but you can hear me laugh
awake you are from your slumber
and ferocious you are
you want to trample me
crumble me and tear me
your madness sends me vibes
and long before you come
I can hear your pace
pace toward me
I think you will have victims all your way
and your hatred will explode
I don't know what have I done to you
I never knew you were there
I didn't know your name
but now I fear you
I fear your faceless existence
I fear your relentlessness
I fear your hatred
Yes I am equally to be blamed
I could have smiled and not howl
I could have been gentle
I could have been calm
Why I had to be rogue
why, why I had to to exult
you come like hurricane
fierce and wild
your intentions are evil
and they would have spilled like volcano
if you had eyes
my gut churns
my desires are nipped
listless become days
as my heart gallops in fear
and they ask what is it that you fear
for you have everything one would want
like a calf attached to a butcher
I am attached to you
You violate me, drain me
yet I can't get you off me
I look and introspect
what is the link so strong between you and me
inability to find makes me more restless
if you had a face, you would have a cynical laughter
for you love my helplessness
for you love to see me panic
my entirety goes numb with my existence
I want to pull the curtain to the world
and the world come poking to me
I fail to understand
if its you that is more atrocious or is it the world
When you are a hurricane
I know you will be gone soon
but then sometimes you are like
a lava oozing out in anger
you refuse to cool
the hot air burns my lungs
and I feel you are enjoying it
you are in no hurry to leave
you explode here today
and just before recovery starts
you explode there in vengeance
every-time I promise I will be calm now
every time I promise I will smile and not howl
but you leave a timer in me
it will set again,
call you back with its shrill noise
and its that timer that I have to find
once you are gone after you have feasted in my happiness
I have attempted to make peace with you
all in vain, your vengeance never dies
its the timer I think I have to find
before your last strike will have me grind