A thought on my life

It was just few days back when I was writing about how uncertain our life is and yet how we look around for ways to know what is going to happen in our future. Though not regularly mummy seeks advices of the astrologers especially when things are not going the ways we expected. She has a good faith in two of the astrologers, just a year back she had one particular person she would seek advices to appease the planetary bodies to bring about prosperity in our family now she has one more person who she believes. I remember when I was a child mummy sometimes used to consult an astrologer and we used to be very curious to know what he said. Till date though with no beliefs I like to hear what these astrologers say. Coincidentally few events matched up and her faith has grown. However she herself is not an avid believer in astrology, it’s just once in few years she feels that the planets are not happy and we are not getting what we deserved.
I grew up as an intelligent child with bright academic records. I never stood second in any of my final exams until ten. My academic record remained as bright as it had been and I topped the University in my undergrad. During my school life I had a pressure to meet up the expectation I had been burdened with. There used to be norms what a bright and good student ought to do. There were many do’s and don’ts. These included things like laborious students concentrate more on studies because for sports and other activities they will have the entire life. Literally they became my conviction and I was just a bookworm. I loved singing but when I used to take it seriously I used to think I am a studious students, I should rather focus on my studies. I loved to dance but dancing was activities for students who are not good at studies. I was never into sports because I was unhealthy and weak. But yes I was a good student. Everyone had great hopes from me, in SLC they expected me to top the whole country, one of my aunts had even promised me a surprise gifts. Then once for some reason which I do not remember mummy took our holy birth calendar to the seer. I was so desperate to know what was said for me. The seer had surprises for mummy; he told her that in the process of life my brother will take over me in education, in achievement and in so many things. My brother was never at par in studies and mummy was really pleased with what the seer had said but she was not happy for me. She believed I equally deserved success, fame and money. That thing must have been a serious for me for which I remember that even today. I am quite proud that my brother finally geared up and has a good academic record especially in the undergrad. We both got job without much struggle. Mine is an easy going job while his is quite hard and engaging. In terms of services and facilities his being a private organization is better than mine. The whole family is very happy for him especially after the previous job which was rather treacherous and it had really been difficult for him. Luckily with the grace of god he is now in a better job.
I have not sat down to discuss or compare my job with that of my brother’s but to ponder on an incident that happened today noon. Today being a weekend, I was watching TV with my father while mummy was busy in the kitchen choirs. She came to the room where we were watching TV and she sat on the sofa. I was talking casual things with my father. Mummy looked at me and with a serious aura she said she is worried about me. The aura had something in it that it denied to be ignored, I looked at her without saying a word. She was still looking at me and I asked her why. I had hints of the answer, I thought it was my health, my growing weight, my insomnia, my depression but she didn’t answer. Buwa said she is worried about me because I had a mediocre job with salary that is very less for a prosperous life, she was worried about me because she thought I think too much for others. I am easily disturbed by emotions. Because I am very docile I have less chances of seeking other ways or doing any business to enhance my income. My brother who is more docile than me had quite a good career ahead because of his organization and because of his being stronger in terms of emotions, because of his capability to remain apathetic to things around. Mummy thinks I cannot save money and care too much for others. Not being industrious and creative is an evil today. Though with clear conviction that money is the most important thing most of the time (rarely it is not), at the end of the day I succumb to emotions. I do things for goodwill and for help rather than for monetary benefits.
I have always noticed this dissatisfaction in mummy and she expresses her dissatisfactions in rather unconventional ways like while watching a reality show she says out of no where none of us are famous, non of us win anything. I believe after being raised by her, after living with her after knowing her for all these 26 years, I can read what she really wants to say. This dissatisfaction has never let me down but sometime I feel ‘had I been able to do this or that’.
I believe until I got a job I was a sheer kid. I thought after getting a job I will get a car. It seemed so easy to me to have a car by paying installments. Life seemed so easy to me. While this house was being built, sitting on the terrace I used to look at the road by airport, I used to think when this house will be built when I will have a good job, life will be so prosperous and fulfilling. I planned occasionally I will go to the top of the house on cool evenings and feel good about life, it will be very fulfilling. In the years that passed the house was built, I got a job but I have never gone to the top of the house, in the terrace, feeling content and fulfilled. Forget the car, I haven’t even afforded a bike. Every month I finish my budget before more than a week. Every month I have to muse on expenses which can be cut. Every month one or the other thing has to be done for which there was no provision in my budget. Every month the budget has to be adjusted to include a new demand. Had there been only one additional part time job, life could have been easier but no there isn’t any. On the other hand expectations only rise, demands only get piled up. Its been difficult when still my father runs the home, soon things will change and responsibilities will come upon my head. May be this is what they call growing up, this is what they call the process of getting matured.
As a child I thought when I will grow up, I will do this and that. I will buy this or that. But growing up hasn’t been loading the pocket with more money but adjusting the life with the money I have. With mere Rs.500, I used to pay fare, buy stationeries and still saved few money when student but as a grown up with almost Rs.4000 I have to live in the crunch. This is no dissatisfaction this is just a thought. My friends who were thought to be dummies couldn’t make things here and moved abroad and now they earn more than myself. Ultimately money matters and peace of mind cannot be achieved when adjustments are to be made. Adjustments wouldn’t have been adjustment had they been easy and not painful. With adjustments now and then how can one have a prosperous life. Yes I wonder.

Story

[This story was written lot earlier but I found it on my disk and here I am posting it. Its attributes as per MS word suggest this was created on January 12,2008]

It was not a different day. The dry rays of sun had not been able to evaporate the existence of the all dews shed by the night on the leaves of grass. Those dews were twinkling on the heart of the shivering grass that had born under the shades of the hill and the trees. No one could say for certain if those grasses could be proud for being able to hold the tears of night on their heart. It cannot be said that the sun was kind for warming the shivering earth in the middle of January; it was only its routine. Had it been kind in winter, it should not have squeezed the sweat out of every living entity in the summer. That narrow path had been trailed by uncountable people and that took different people to different places, if it had taken plural men to same destination, it was not its intention. It has no intention of its own. Many men, women and children have walked over its heart and all it has done throughout the generation is to watch them on their face while they walked through their hearts. When that path was built that is not in record, who walked that path for the first time no one knows. That path has overheard so many stories, so many conspiracies, so many laughters. It knows the stories that no one else knows. It have stayed helpless when people have been robbed, when chastity of women have been blotted, when sweats of the loaders have irrigated its infertile land. In its lifetime it has seen many wells being built, many sheds been built for passers by, many mobile shops being in service. No one has those accounts except for the path itself.
Raghu Sapkota is not a regular visitor of this path. When others offices enter from village to city, his office had done opposite. It had been two month when the school where he worked had been shifted from Trishuli Bazar to a haunting place in Deurali. He hadn’t even moved his family of three to the new place. In trishuli bazaar he and his wife often gets work in the morning, evenings which had little simplified their struggle to keep living. If he moved to this sleepy place he knew there won’t be any additional work apart from school. He was just a sweeper in the school for ten years. From ten years he has been a wage earner. They do not have his name in the office attendance register. If sometime he cannot make to work he would have to sleep empty stomach. Many times his wife went to school for him when he was busy in other profitable work or if he had been unable to go to school. He had been asking the school management to make him permanent worker or adjust his wife for some work. Since he came to the school, the school has seen four principles. He has repeated his woes to each one of them. All of them had said, they would talk with the concerned authority but they never remembered except for one. Janak sir had even talked with the visitors of the Education Ministry and Education Board about him. He had even written one or two letters to the authority but to no avail. The current principle was more cruel than butcher. He cared for no one. Raghu had to wash the new principal’s clothes but he never gave him a penny not even for the soap. Raghu disgusted himself for being worthless and to forget that he was a regular visitor of Parvati’s hotel in the evening and mostly he went home soozled. He used to fight with his wife and beat her regularly. His rather docile wife would only sob but once she back fired and hit Raghu with a log for which he had to get twelve stitches. Since then he has not raised his hands.
Raghu hadn’t woken up in a good mood today. He didn’t remember any nightmare and he hadn’t drank too much yesterday. He woke up to a sad day. His six years old was sleeping by his side and he raised his head to see his wife lying over a thin mat in the ground. Because of cold she had pulled her knees to bring them close to her hand. Her hair was scattered over the tattered pillow. Already torn rug was stitched at many places. He felt pity. He cannot remember when he last slept in a warm bed. But he never cared because the booze heated him. He looked at the innocent face of his daughter and kissed her lightly. She moved but then hid her face in his chest and went back to sleep. He thought what wrong did this little girl had done that she didn’t even have a warm clothes for the winter. He remembered she had been asking for the ‘chappal’ for more than a week. The one she wanted would cost forty rupees. Day before yesterday he had some money and had thought he would buy the slipper for his daughter but while returning home, his friends dragged him at Parvati Place and when we went home he had only twenty rupees which he gave to his wife. He slowly moved his hand over the hair of his only child. She didn’t move this time. While having meal he noticed his wife’s blouse was having really tough time to hide her chest. She would pull her torn shawl to hide it. It only made him feel bitter.
He set out for school in his usual time. It took him an one hour and half to reach the school. He could have ridden the bus but it took ten rupees, so he walked. He could have gone through the road but it would take him more than two hours. It seemed it is only he who remembered the forgotten trail. When he reached the school, the headmaster asked him to bring some money from the bank handing him a cheque. He had to go to bank twice every month. Once in the first week to get the salary and in the middle of the month for miscellaneous expenses. He has always done that. Every time he had to go him to bank they gave him twenty rupees extra as travelling expenses. He would still walk all the way to bank. The bank was near the place where he lived. He went to bank and withdraw money. It used to be forty thousand but since last month due to some reason the government had sent no money this time it was seventy six thousand four hundred and thirty two. He counted the money properly and left the bank. Others would have feared walking this empty track with such sum of money but Raghu didn’t realize something could happen.
He was lost in thoughts while returning. His eyes were in silent talk with the worn out path. He remembered his wife’s blouse, he remembered the innocent face of his child. He remembered her request. He loathed himself. He blamed him for all those miseries. He even cursed god for keeping closed eyes. He had heard everyone’s day will come but he was already thirty five and no good day had come for him. His first wife had died of labor pain as he didn’t have money to take her to Kathmandu. Even his second wife had given birth to two dead children before she gave birth to Maya six years back. He had silently blamed himself for all those things. One cannot say drinking was his way of punishing himself or forgetting the sorrows. Many people yelled, shouted, talked when they drank but Raghu would hardly speak when drunk. He seemed to be in introspection once drunk. He was thinking he must have committed some sin in his past life that he had such a miserable life but he could not resist from feeling sorry for his daughter. She learnt to speak very late. Even today she does not talk much with others but when its him, she would tell him so many things about the grocer’s five years daughter. She would tell him how beautiful was her new dress, how beautiful was her doll. He never understood why she never asked him for new dress, new toys. It was not her age to understand destitution. She is much matured for her age he used to think. Then he remembered that she had requested for the ‘butterfly slipper’, she had made any request after a long time. He couldn’t even remember when did she last make any request. His heart became heavy for not being able to buy even a forty five rupees slipper. His consciousness reminded him something and then he tried to feel his pocket for the money. The money was there and he returned back to his thoughts. He thought I am carrying money of which I will get nothing. I have served the school for ten years and it has given me nothing, my life is only worsening.
‘What if I ran away with this money?’.
‘I will go home and take Gayatri and Maya and escape to Kathmandu.’
‘Gayatri’s sister is in Biratnagar and her brother in law has a grocery shop there. They are doing pretty well. He can help me start my own business with this money.’
‘But what have the school teachers done for me. Why should they suffer and after all it is a crime, a theft?’
‘They have not done any good to me either.’ He thought.
He remembered few months back they had gheraoed the headmaster’s office to give them additional allowance as they had worked even after school hours for exams and other purpose. They didn’t remember even he had worked late. He had made tea for them for the whole week. He had fetched lunch for them. He didn’t get any additional allowance.
‘If they don’t think for me, why should I worry for them?’
‘What if I get caught?’
‘If I don’t take risk there would be no gain as well. I need to take risk this time. Even god wants me to take risk. I am not cheating any sages, they are money hungry bastards. They care for no one. How cruelly they beat small children for not doing home works. How do they pour their wrath over the poor children?’
‘If I get caught I would believe god punished me if I escaped, I would think the teachers have been punished for sins which only they know.’
His paces were slowing down. He again dipped his hand inside his pocket, the money was still there. Just then he remembered his poor father. His father worked for a landlord in Chitwan. His life was not better than his own. His father had five children to feed. His mother washed clothes and dishes of the landlord while his father worked in the fields. Sometime he couldn’t see his father for days during the harvest season. Once the landlord had severely beaten his father for not reaping the field in time and the wind had destroyed the harvest. His father could not move his hand properly after that. Once the landlord’s house caught fire and a huge property was destroyed. His parents struggled hard to get the valuable things out of the house. The landlord had two servants one was his father and other was Ram Bahadur Ghimire. His father returned all those saved property to the landlord but Ram Bahadur went missing for more than five years. Many things were lost. Many ornaments, they said only cash of five thousand was lost. Those days with fifteen thousand one could buy more than five hundred bighas of land with five thousand. Later Ram Bahadur emerged suspiciously and he bought many acres of fertile field and build a huge house. Raghu’s father died of due to lack of medicine. His mother had died much earlier. He has not seen his siblings for a long time now.
Once during dashain, the landlord’s daughter lost her new clothes and everyone blamed his mother. They had saved some money for dashain which they spent to buy clothes to the landlord’s daughter though his mother was not guilty. They spent that dashain without good food. Two months later the lost clothes was found. The landlord’s didn’t even pay back their money.
Generation after generation they had been exploited. ‘May be its time for me.’ Thought Raghu. He strengthened his heart and returned. He had no property and the place where he stayed was not his own. They had a stove, a plastic bucket, few utensils and clothes as their own. Even the bed was not their own. At 3:00 PM people had seen his family from the window of a bus that was to go to Kathmandu. Raghu and his wife had small box each and a bag when they were seen. That very day a report was written in the Police Station.
Now its been a week, Police has been trying to locate Raghu but no one knows where he has been as no body knew if he had any relatives anywhere.

My beloved flash drive

My sleep broke at around 3:15 in the morning and the chances to fall back to sleep seemed very bleak but at that time there was nothing I could do. I played few songs and they repeated twice and then I fell back to sleep. I had strange dreams. I was standing on the bank of Bagmati river, because of the rain the level of water had risen and it looked fierce. The water was muddy and thick as if it had washed away an entire hill, there were many people with me. I don’t remember much of the dream, then I found myself at the corridor of the head office, to my knowledge there is no corridor in the head office. Even if there is one, I haven’t seen it. I was standing at one of the door asking a man to replace my damaged USB device, then someone seemingly a high level officer appeared at the other end of the corridor he asked the other one to immediately replace my flash drive but he looked enraged due to something. In reality my flash drive is really damaged and I have already sent it to the head office for replacement. Yesterday I don’t remember I talked about the flash drive but there it was in my dream. Flash drive has become part of my life as I always have one or other thing to take from home to office and vice versa. I would miss my cell at home but I will never miss my flash drive. However petite it is, it has become part of my work and hence part of my life but I had never imagined it to be a subject of my dream. Had the other people in the dream been acquainted faces, the dream could have some things with them but since I did not recognize them, they must have been trivial. The protagonist of my dream was obviously my flash drive.
As a part of my daily routine when I work, read or write whether at home or at office I have this peculiar habit of copying the things in my pen drive so that I can have a backup of my work. If I lose the work at home I will have its copy at office and vice versa. Flash drive is a cordial object with which I can have my work redundantly spread at home and office or in the web. I go to office and switch on my computer and religiously insert my flash drive into the USB port whether or not I have got to do something with it. It contains my treasures and my secrets. I always took it for granted, trusted it, trusted its brand. I used it many times everyday and it worked for me thanklessly. When something or someone is always with us, we tend to take them as if we take our shadows; they are part of our life. We take them for granted. They are appendages of our life the third limb if I can say that. We don’t thank our legs every time we walk and reach the destination, we don’t thank our hand every time when it dexterously does anything for us, so I never thanked my flash drive. I never took my flash drive the way one takes a pendant with ones’ lover’s picture on it and watch it emotionally. I don’t think anyone kisses his legs thanking it for carrying one from one place to another for bringing about mobility in life. Same was the flash drive for me. When I lent a ball pen to a friend I was bound to forget it and it will never return but if I lent someone my flash drive, I would never forget that. I never sat to consciously think about it, the benefits it had given to me. When the flash drives came to the market they were luxury, I wanted them to be cool. When one has a new gizmo at hand it gives him an edge something he/she can flaunt about. I had a 256 MB flash drive earlier and I held it like a treasure, then I got a 1 GB flash drive from office about which I am writing. In 1 GB I could carry home movies, pictures, documents, my office works among so many other things. I never consciously feel its important unless it broke down. When it didn’t work on one computer I doubted the USB port of the computer itself but when it didn’t work in other as well my heart was broken. I never thought without it I would be so lame, now how will I move my works between home and office. Its quite a cheap device still I didn’t want to buy it as the office was liable to replace it.
When I went to office I had nothing to insert into the USB port, I sent it for a quick replacement but thanks to the prolong process I haven’t yet received after almost fifteen days. In these fifteen days I had to adjust in the way of my work. I was crippled. I couldn’t stop working just because my flash drive was out of work. The first thing I tried was keeping my documents in the FTP to which I could even connect from home and upload or download upon requirement. Now one might wonder why not sending it in email or getting shared internet ftp e.g. www.4shared.com but we have connectivity that is sluggish than the slug itself. I hoped as the due to short distance the access from my FTP will be fast but to vain. It took almost same time as downloading from internet shared directories would have taken. There was no way I could use the ftp to move my work (larger in size) between home and office. Then apathetically I zeroed on the use of CD, yuck a cumbersome process of burning of data. At office I have to move my work to the computer where the CD writer was and then confirm if CD writing software is present if the operating system do not have the provision and watch as the progress bar shows 100% completed. Sometime in the middle of the write a cruel message box appears out of nowhere telling about some problem and many times the entire CD will be of no use. I miss my flash drive bitterly then, rarely did it bicker me with those rude messages. The process was fast. Even if I didn’t take bag I could carry the flash drive in my pocket but with CD not possible (I do not use small CDs). With flash drive I never had problem of renaming my work. I could simply delete my old version of work and replace with new but with CD (I use writable CDs, no rewritable ones) I have to rename my work may be by stamping it with date before writing it into the CD, what a misery.
I had never noticed that the diminutive flash drive was so mighty. I had never ever thought in my weirdest dream that I would miss it. But I really do, I hope I will get one very soon. I hope when I get the new flash drive it will be quite an emotional moment, for now I have realized how much it had simplified my life. It was an irreplaceable weapon in my arsenal.

Strikes,rain and fish

Welcome!! the new season of strikes in the new Nepal. The vehicles were off the road, the environment was fresh and clean. The huge number of people could be seen making it to work as if it was a huge procession or a pilgrimage like those in Mecca during hajj. These strikes are more painful if they are during summer. The sun does not spare because some irresponsible political parties, community etc. have called in a general strike.
I somehow made it to the office in the morning but returning home on foot in the scorching heat is quite a challenge. I wonder how the rickshaw pullers work in these situations. Luckily there was rain that came to the rescue in the day. I love walking in the rain; it is a strange game where the sky goes adamant in bathing the reluctant earth. When the drops of water fall on the leaves the sound is as soothing as a good piece of music. The leaves rattle and tattle among themselves. It’s a purgatory in its own washing away the dirt and filths from the earth, breathing a life into the whole nature. Its so fulfilling. Despite an irresistible want to wet oneself many of us have to run for cover, open the umbrella or wrap ourselves in the rain-coats.
I thought about taking the chance and left my office in the somber day. The clouds were black but it was not very dark which signed toward a heavy shower. I had an umbrella in my bag in case it rained heavily. When I was at the main road the sprinkling had started and the street children were busy feeling the drops in their faces as if they were trying to see the pores in the clouds from where the drops of rain were falling. People were walking freely as the rain was very light and rejuvenating. I felt lighter as if I was in the paradise and had nothing to fear. Just as I reached in the front gate of the palace the rain was heavier and people had started running for cover. The bike riders either sped up or stopped to get inside their raincoats. Soon the rain grew to the capacity of drenching a man from top to bottom, I covered myself with my umbrella. The roads were clear as the people were under shed, they were below the trees, standing at the doors of shops, inside coffee shops, under the roofs wherever they could avoid the rain. In my umbrella I could protect a greater part of my body. Soon at one point of time except few exuberant students I was the only one at the road. I walked on while others looked at me from the shelters. I felt proud like a child as I could walk on in spite of the rain. When I realized I was feeling proud for the silliest of reason I felt little embarrassed. The thin streams had started to form and they were running down the road as if they were in a hurry for some kind of appointment. Few children were splashing water to each other. Down the Mitrapark road, few school children had collected some water from the stream in their transparent water bottle. They were feeling proud for having captured fish in their bottle though they were tadpoles. I remembered my childhood. We used to go to Jhapa specially during festivals and vacation. There used to be a rivulet behind our house and we loved going there, playing with the water taking bath and try fishing. I never intended to kill the fish, I just wanted to have them inside my small bottle which I used to carry from home. The first time I went home happy and proud for being able to capture some small fish and proudly showed that to one of my aunts. She laughed at me and said I had caught tadpoles not fish. I didn’t believe her and took the bottle to mummy who repeated the same thing. Later we could really capture the real fish but always there used to be few tadpoles which we thought were little grown up fish. Sometime we used to put those bottles in our room where the fish will eventually die by next morning but most of the time we used to pour the bottle in the small stream made for irrigation purpose. We had seen our bigger cousins catching the mud fish in the marshy paddy fields. We thought if we poured many fish in the stream they will go to fields and later when they grew larger our cousins will catch them. Sometime I even used to pour the bottle in the well from which we fetched water for drinking purpose. I thought the elders will be surprised when a fish will come out when they dip the bucket in the well for water. I used to think the fish will multiply very soon and at least few will grow enough to be of noticeable size. Never any fish was found in the well and I doubt I might have dropped tadpoles instead. Many times while cleaning the well they found frogs.
The students were excited for having caught tadpole. There is no chance of catching fish in the stream formed by rain water. When young we used to read that fish fell from sky during rain but haven’t seen any fish falling with rain.

Random Thoughts

If I was to sit to think about things that brings smile to me, many will certainly include rain, water, loneliness, tranquility, music etc. After a long time I have accepted the fact that I am a loner. Most of my wonderful things happen when I am lonely, most of the time I am content when I am alone and most of the time I am myself when there is no body around. I have contradictory habits and instincts, in spite being a loner I am a complete extrovert, those who know about me know more than ninety percent about me while many make me wonder by knowing me more than myself. Unpredictable, yes I am, funny I think I am, lazy, I am certain I am, talkative; I have no doubts, loner yes I know that. Someone who likes to stay at home trying to avoid even a phone call, thinks the weekend is the wasted one if even a small piece of work has to be done. Someone, who reads like crazy at one time and disconnects from books for months. Someone who gets deprived of a good sleep just because he thinks too much. Someone who has a habit to evaluate every other person he can remember who he saw or talked in the day and ponder why did they do what they did? In their smallest gesture I try to evaluate them yet without any iota of intention to be judgmental. I evaluate them just as I read the characters in books many time trying to fit them into the shoes of character they resemble. After all the world’s a stage. When I see a kid cry, I want to capture his expression, I want to count the creases that come to his face, I want to see the shape of the tear drops that trickle down his cheek, I want to measure the radius of his open mouth, I like to observe the posture of his hand and I don’t know what do I do with these observations, may be use them to shoo away my sleep. These are not the behavior I have adopted with intention probably they are in my DNA. Probably this can also be a proof of my being a loner but I have no-one to prove this; I don’t need to. Is this right? But there is nothing like right or wrong in this world, what a majority thinks is adaptable that becomes right. Right and wrong are our own terms. In many cases this is right instead of that because our ancestors had been evaluating thus. Who is to judge for me what is right and what is wrong? It is not necessary that whatever a majority says is ‘right’. When there are no physical evidences to support ones point nothing can be right or wrong others are just logic and they are beyond the notion of right or wrong. I am just who I am neither wrong neither right. One can judge for me but I am not complied to agree with what other judges for me though another fact is also there that I may not be able to resist as well, yet I can hold on to my belief.
I have been jubilant like a child and depressed like a culprit whose turn it is to stand before the noose while his beloved family is staring at him and he cannot prove his innocence. I have lived with expected ones and the unexpected ones either. Like all there have been regularities there have been surprises, I have taken them as part of life. Many times I have wondered if it’s worth living and many times I have worried I should die sooner or later. My life is no different than others if it is not similar. I might look different but my prejudices, convictions, and understandings match with one or other. I am a no competitor because I am no participant. If one considers me to be part of the marathon after watching me run while others are running as well, I can’t control what others do. I do not run to win anyone, I am just moving because behind me everything is falling apart. I cannot stay at where I am not only because it will fall too but because I like moving. Where I have to reach and where I will reach depends on the path I take at crossroads, if at the end I end up standing before another of my kind it will only be a coincidence and nothing more. I do not want to bother if my move is my move for my existence or my move to an end. Ultimately its an end that we reach whether we like it or not. In the journey to meet our end we have no alternative but to adapt that journey. The adaption can be sweet can be bitter, I count myself no-one to be in the capacity to tell why these adaptation can be sweet for some bitter for others. Anyways thorns and roses are part of the journey.

शिक्षा

हिजो मात्र गत वर्षको एस एल सी परीक्षाको रिजल्ट भयो। गत वर्षहरु भन्दा यो वर्ष धेरै विधार्थी पास भए भनेर टिभीले फलाकिरह्यो, खुशीकै कुरा हो।तर यसलाई हाम्रो शिक्षाको स्तर राम्रो भयो भनेर खुशी भईहाल्नु पर्ने अवस्था भने छ जस्तो मलाई लाग्दैन। के पनि सुन्नमा आयो भने सरकारको यो वर्षको नीतिनै धेरै विधार्थी पास गराउने थियो रे। रे को पछि लाग्ने मानिस त होइन म तैपनि यहाँ धेरै रे का कुराहरु पनि सहि भएका उदाहरण छन् यहाँ। यो त केवल आफ्नो गलती ढाक्ने कुरा मात्र भयो, राम्रो शिक्षा दिन नसकेर जबर्जस्ती पास गराउन मिल्छ र? राम्रो घर भएको स्कुल राम्रो हुनैपर्छ भन्ने छैन। शिक्षा दिने त शिक्षक-शिक्षीका पो हुन त! त्यति मात्र होइन पाठ्य सामाग्री पनि विशिष्ट हुनु पर्छ। २१औं शताब्दिमा आएर १८औं शताब्दिको शिक्षा दिएर कुनै काम छैन। शिक्षा श्रम मुलक अनि व्यवहारीक पनि हुनु अति आवश्यक छ। नाम मात्र लेख्न सिकाउने अनि पुस्तक मात्र पढ्न सिकाएर केहि हुँदैन, अन्तमा गएर त शिक्षाले व्यक्तिलाई जीवन पालन गर्न सक्षम पनि बनाउनु पर्छ।सीपको विकास गरी आय आर्जन गर्न सघाउनु पनि पर्छ। हिजो आजका युवाहरुमा पढेर के हुन्छ भन्ने सोच नराम्ररी जरो गाडि रहेको छ। यसमा दुइ कुरा प्रमुख छ, एउटा त अव्यवहारिक शिक्षा अनि व्यक्तिको क्षमताको भन्दा पनि उसको पहुँचको बढी कदर गर्ने चलन। एकातिर उधोग, कल कारखानाहरु आफुलाई चाहिने दक्षता भएको जनशक्ति नभएको गुनासो गर्छन भने पढे लेखेकाहरु जागिर नपाएको गुनासो गर्छन।हाम्रो शिक्षाले शिक्षाको कामनै जागिर ख्वाउनु हो कि भन्ने भ्रम हामीमा पारिदिएको छ। शिक्षित मान्छेले पनि खेती किसानि गर्नु हुन्छ भन्ने त हाम्रो मान्यता नै भइसकेको छ। अलिकति पढ्ने वित्तिकै हामी आफ्नो पेशा, खेती किसानि सब छोडेर जागिरको पछाडि दौडिन्छौं।
हिजो पास हुने कति विधार्थी पनि उहि राजनीतिक कार्यकर्ता बनेर सडक मात्र तताउने हुन कि भन्ने डर पनि छ। तिनीहरु पढ्नलाई कलेज क्याम्पसहरु प्रशस्त छन् कि छैनन् त्यसको विचार कसले गर्ने? पढाइको स्तर खस्कँदै गएपछि पनि विधार्थीहरु पढाईप्रति उदासिन् भएका हुन सक्छन। के हामी सधैं आफ्ना युवाहरुलाई खाडिका मुलुकहरुमा तल्लो स्तरको काम मै पठाईरहने त, के हाम्रा युवाहरु सधैं अरुको गुलामीनै गरेर बस्नु पर्ने हो त? के हामी केहि गर्न नजान्ने वुध्दि नभएका गधाहरु हौं त?
शिक्षा दिएर मात्र हुँदैन त्यसको गुणस्तरमा ध्यान दिनु पनि जरुरी छ, अब जागिर खोज्न लगाउने नभएर जागिर बनाउने शिक्षाको आवश्कयता छ। रोजगार जन्य शिक्षाको आवश्यकता छ। खेतबाट भगाउने होइन त्यही खेतबाट धेरै भन्दा धेरै पैदावर उत्पादन गर्ने सीप सिकाउने शिक्षाको तड्कारो खाँचो परेको छ।हस्तकलाबाट लखेट्ने होइन त्यसको व्यापार प्रवर्धन गर्न सिकाउने शिक्षाको खाँचो छ हामीलाई।
शिक्षा सबको मौलिक अधिकार हो र राज्यले यो अधिकार सुनिश्चित गर्नु पर्छ र शिक्षा व्यवहारिक हुनु पर्दछ।हामी एस एल सी मा यो वर्ष धेरै जाना पास भए भनेर छाती त फुलाउँला तर त्यसले रोजगार वा जीविकोपार्जन गर्न कुनै सहयोग पुर्याउन सकेन भने त्यसको उपयोगिता माथि नै प्रश्न उठ्न सक्छ वास्तवमा उठि पनि रहेको छ। पाठ्य-पुस्तकका सामाग्रीको पुनरावलोकनको पनि उत्तिकै आवश्यक छ। व्यक्तिको योग्यता बुझेर सोहि अनुरुपको व्यवसायिक तालिमले पछि उसलाई आफ्नो जीविकोपार्जन गर्न सहयोग पुर्याउँछ।
शिक्षाको अर्को काम भनेको व्यक्तिलाई सचेत र विवेकी बनाउनु पनि हो। यसले मानिसलाई आफ्नो अधिकारको लागि आवाज उठाउन, अन्याय अनि भ्रष्टचारको विरुध्द पनि लड्न सिकाउँछ। यसले मानिसलाई सहि-गलतको पहिचान गर्न पनि सिकाउँछ, तर स्कुल जानु मात्र शिक्षा आर्जन गर्नु होइन यदि मानिसमा चेतनाको स्तर बढ्दैन भने।समय संगै शिक्षाको आवश्यकता पनि बदलिन्छ, समयको माग के हो, रोजगार बजारमा कस्तो जनशक्तिको आवश्यकता छ र हुनसक्छ यसको पनि अध्ययन हुनु उत्तिकै आवश्यक छ। यो प्रविधिको समय हो, विश्वलाई प्रावधिकहरुको धेरै खाँचो छ र यो खाँचो भविश्यमा झन् बढ्नेछ। त्यस कारण प्रविधि मुलक शिक्षामा विशिष जोड दिनु पर्ने देखिन्छ।
नारा मात्र ठुला बनाएर केहि हुनेवाला छैन त्यो नाराको कार्यान्वयन गर्नु एउटा ठुलो चुनौति हो। यसको पहिलो पहल शिक्षितहरुलेनै र विधार्थीहरु स्वयंले पनि गर्नु पर्छ।राजनितिक दलको मोहरा भएर र उनीहरुको योजनाहरु बाँढ्दै हिंड्नु सट्टा यस्ता कुराहरु उठाउनु आवश्यक छ।

आज आफ्नै भाषामा

आज आफ्नै भाषामा लेख्न मन लाग्यो। केहि कुरा अन्य भाषाको शब्दकोषमा भेटिदैनन्। आफ्नो भाषा फेरी आफ्नै हो। हिजो राम्ररी निंद्रा लागेन। यो त रोग नै भैसकेको छ खोइ ठीक पनि हुने सम्भावना देख्दिन। केहि समय अलि ठीक भए जस्तो हुन्छ फेरि जस्ताको तस्तै। अफिसमा हुँदा प्राय घरमा फोन गर्ने मेरो बानी आज टोडियो। गफ पनि सारै कम भएछ क्यार!! हुन त आ-आफ्नै क्याबीनमा गए पछि साथीहरुसंगको गफ-गाफ पनि निकै कम भएको छ। वास्तवमा भन्ने हो भने हामीहरुको त्यति कुरा मिल्दा पनि मिल्दैन। हामी सबै आ-आफ्नै किसिमका छौं। मुड पनि थाहा नहुने। म कुरा गरिरहनु पर्ने, एउटा धेरै बोल्न मन नपराउने, अर्को अरुको कुरा गर्न सारै रमाउने। म भने अलि मुढि पनि छु, अनि शायद अलि घमण्डी पनि, चाहिने भन्दा बढी बोल्नु पर्ने। मैले यो विचार गरेको छु की राकेशलाई यो कुरा त्यति मन पर्दैन तर मलाई त्यसको के मतलब। हुन त मलाई माथी शाखाको एउटा मान्छेले भन्थ्यो कि उसलाई अरुले गरेको केहि मन पर्दैन रे! अरु बाहिरको मान्छे हुँदा उसलाई हाम्रो खिल्लि उडाउन झन रमाइलो लाग्छ मानौं उ अरुको अगाडी ठुलो हुन चाहन्छ। उसको कुरामा तर्क दिएको पनि उसलाई मन पर्दैन, रिसाउँछ। तर उ रिसाएको चाँडै थाहा हुन्छ। हामी एक अर्कालाई ‘तिमी’ भनेर सम्बोधन गर्छौ तर जब उसलाई रिस उठ्छ उ एकदम तल्लो स्तरले ‘तँ’ भनेर सम्बोधन गर्छ।मलाई उसले ‘तँ’ भनेको फिटिक्कै मन पर्दैन म उसको साथी होइन समकक्षी मात्र हो। साथी र समक्षी वीच घेरै भिन्नता छ जस्तो मलाई लाग्छ। मैले म सबै भन्दा ठिक छु भनेको होइन सायद म अरु भन्दा कम छैन।
आज समय विताउन सार्है गारो भयो। टाउको पनि दुखिरहेकोले केहि कुरामा मन गएको पनि थिएन, फेरि आजै काम पनि अलि बढी थियो। अल्छिलागे पनि काम त गर्नै पर्यो। पानी परेको भए अलि सजिलो हुँदो हो तर मलाई सजिलो पार्न पानी किन पर्थ्यो र? आज एक थोपा पनि पानी परेन तर गर्मी पनि त्यति थिएन, आफ्नो मन नै ठिक नभए पछि रामरो भए पनि के नरामरो भए पनि के। खाजा खान पनि मन लागेको थिएन तर ग्यास्ट्रिकले दुख देला भनेर मन नलागी नलागी पनि खाजा खान गएँ। एउटा उपन्यास पढ्न भर्खर शुरु गरेको थिएँ, त्यो पनि पढ्न मन लागेन, दुई-चार पान्ना पढेर छोडि दिएँ। प्रसिदले राम्रो छ भनेर दिएको थियो तर मलाई त्यति मन परेन। उसैत आफुलाई टाउको दुखिरहेको त्यसमाथि विरामीहरुको कथा पढ्न मलाई आँट नै आएन, वीचैमा छोडिदिएँ। कसले टेन्सन लिइरहोस्।
राम्ररी नसतेको भएर पनि होला आँखा पनि पोलिरहेको थियो।कम्प्युटर हेर्ने इच्छा नै थिएन तर आफ्नो काम नै त्सैमा छ। बोलिरहने भएर पनि अफिसमा कुरा मिल्ने साथी सुवास बाहेक कोहि छैन। त्यसको कारण पनि म आफैं हो। कुरै गर्न अन्य शाखामा जाने मेरो बानी छैन त्यसैले अन्य शाखामा साथी पनि छैन। हेमको पनि मेरो जस्तै अन्य शाखामा हेलमेल छैन हाम्रो काम पनि अरु शाखामा पर्दैन। माथि के हुन्छ सब राकेशवाट थाहा हुन्छ। उसलाई प्राय सबै साना ठुला कुरा थाहा हुन्छ।स्वाभावैले मजवुर उसको कुरा मनमा अटदैन र सब कुरा भन्छ, किन भन्छ थाहा छैन।उसैलाई झुठ खबर सुनाउछन् की उ जानी जानी नभएको कुरा सुनाउँछ त्यो त थाहा छैन तर उसका धेरै कुरा एउटा कानले सुनेर अर्को कानले उडाउनुनै बेस हुन्छ। ठीक नै भए पनि अरुको कुरा सुनेर केहि फाइदा हुन्न क्यारे!
अँ साँच्ची, म स्कुलमा हुँदा धेरै नबोल्ने, कलेजमा पनि सबैभन्दा कम बोल्ने मै होला। त्यसबेला सार्है संकोच लाग्थ्यो तर हिजो-आज बोल्न पनि के को लाज जस्तो लाग्छ। पहिले नबोलेर पीर हिजोआज धेरै बोलेर पीर। जस्को अगाडी पनि बोल्न सक्ने भएकोछु। पहिले आफु नबोल्ने हुँदा अरु बोलेको देख्दा कति धेरै बोल्छ यो मान्छे जस्तो लाग्थ्यो आजकल अरुले पनि त्यस्तै सोच्छन् होला जस्तो लाग्छ- फेरी अरुले के सोच्छन भनेर आफुलाई लागेको कुरा लुकाउनु पनि त भएन नि! मिटिङमा पनि बढी बोल्ले म नै हुन्छु, अरु भित्र चुप बस्छन् बाहिर आएर यो भएन र उ भएन भनेर कुर्लिन्छन।
खैर कसैको कुरा काट्ने मेरो मन होइन। कुनै विशेष विषयवस्तु लिएर पनि बसेको होइन, त्यतिकै। हामी कर्मचारी मान्छे, अफिसको वाहेक अरु कुरै नआउने। एउटै ठाउँ, एउटै अफिस, एकै किसिमका मान्छे केनपुगेको, के नपुगेको जस्तो हुँदो रहेछ। यस पटक घुम्न जाने इच्छा छ तर के हुन्छ थाहा छैन। अलि शान्त ठाउँमा जान पाए राम्रो हुने थियो। घुम्न त मलाइ एक्लै पनि रमाइलो लाग्छ अलि एकान्त मन पराउने मान्छे म।बस् एउटा बस होस् लामो बाटो होस् सानो आवाजमा बजेको गीत होस् अरु खासै केहि चाहिन्न बरु बाटोको छेउछाउमा ठुला रुखहरु हुन मन्द मन्द हावा चलोस् क्या मज्जा हुने थियो। त्यस्तो हुँदो हो त म पुरा जिन्दगीनै बिताउन सक्थें होला त्यसै बसमा। जाबो यति लेख्न पनि एक घण्टा लागिसकेछ, हुन त म नेपालीमा त्यति लेख्ने पनि होइन, युनिकोड सिकेको मात्र हो, अब त अलि अलि आयो जस्तो लाग्छ।

Knowing my future

What would it be like if one could see his future? Everyone I have known has always been curious about their future. Even in my contemplations I wonder how I would be five years from now, ten years from now, fifty years from now. It would have been wonderful but may be I will never work because I would already know however I work my future will be what I had seen. Life probably wouldn’t be as wonderful as in uncertainties. They are probably the area of philosophy so I won’t step into these areas. Once I used to visit a home to teach two students, so I was a tutor. They had so many questions on astronomy in specific. Even if I was teaching literature I had to be ready for unrelated question on astronomy. They once asked me if we can see the past and future. I replied I do not know if we can see the future as I doubted that there was already a readymade future for all of us but said it should have been possible to see the past though one couldn’t participate in those events as shown in sci-fi movies dealing with time machines. My logic would be like this, light takes a lot of time to reach distant objects for e.g. it takes eight minutes for the light from sun to reach us. There are stars which are much more distant than sun for which light will take more than hundred years, more than thousand years. So by any mean if we could reach those stars we would be seeing the earth which would be hundred years older. They used to get excited but I used to brutally eclipse their excitement by saying, Einstein had said nothing is capable of travelling at speed greater than that of light. By the time an object reaches the speed of light, it will be converted into energy and energy was lifeless. I knew they would deny believing Einstein and strongly hung up to the concept that we can go into the past. I don’t know why were they much interested in past may be because I had blatantly told them it is not possible to forecast the future.
In so many cases however we might be educated; we tend to believe in things that have no scientific proofs. In our curiosity to know what has future stored for us we visit the fortune tellers, card readers, psychic and even to those who watches our future in their glass bowls. Hindus believe the world runs on the will of god, a man’s destiny is fixed at the time of his birth by the position of different stars and planets. The prophets make a special document of the time when a child was born. There he specifies the position of stars and other planetary bodies. In every occasion that is significant in the life of a Hindu whether that is wedding, starting of business etc. this document known as ‘China’ is consulted.
Mummy is worried about my sadistic approach toward marriage. She believes the stars and other planetary bodies are hindering my prosperity and I am under ill influence of those bodies. She has already consulted three renowned pundits. More or less all of them had similar forecasts and I do not take it as any coincidence but since it is already a academic study, they will consider same facts, do same calculations if any and hence come out with similar answers. It would have been interesting to be present when someone was telling about my future. All those three times I was not present. In spite of my mother’s reproaches I never went to them, either it was my grandmother or mummy herself who went with my ‘China’. Last month a distant relative had come from India, he is in chemical business but he pursued astrological studies out of interest and one of my uncles believed him. The same uncle had made him really popular and there was no way mummy was going to miss visiting him with my ‘China’. Luckily he himself came on a visit and he was served with my ‘China’ along with biscuits and tea. I don’t know whether because mummy loaded him with too many questions or he really didn’t like it, he didn’t touch a single biscuit. Now it was my turn to ask him questions.
Now I have already written that we just cannot avoid so many things with which we are brought up. I do not believe in fixed future but what would I loose if I were to ask him questions. My first question was how will my career shape. He said there is little hope in the job I am currently doing and I won’t have very cordial relation with by boss. Oops the first answer was discouraging. Then? He said I should do something on my own and I will prosper if it will be related to paper i.e. education. I asked him will be able to be a good writer, if there any such prospect. He said wonderful, that was the field made for me. Hmmm.. My next question was received as a destructive shell. I asked him what if I joined politics. Everyone’s eyes was fixed in my face and they thought I was mocking everything. The reply was again not encouraging. He said because of position of some stars during the time I came to this world, I am outspoken and cannot suppress things that I don’t like, with this attitude I had no future in politics. Everyone knows I am outspoken. My next question will I engage myself in social activities. He said I will do many social activities but doubted on what they will be. Will I be rich? Everyone wants to know that. Not rich but I will not be poor though there won’t be scarcity of money but with what I will have I won’t be rich. God!!! Couldn’t you send me some days later when it was propitious? I didn’t ask the question mummy wanted me to ask. Then I asked out of no where if I will have a happy married life. You have a chance of getting married twice now again a devastated married life. At least one thing should have been good. I asked him about my health, it was actually my second question. He said I was healthy and will remain so. Caught you!!! Had my health been good I would do everything that had come to me without any doubt. I have not a single clue if I will ever be able to get rid of anti-depressant.
Since I failed to ask the questions mummy wanted me to ask, she took over me. She learnt from him my wife will be from area north from our home. It won’t be love marriage and if they don’t take initiative I might not marry. She will be well behaved respect and love her in laws. There were so many things he told about my to be wife. I gave no concern to it because he had said my married life will not be very good. I am kidding; I still believe there is no fixed future in the barn of time.
He said this was the most appropriate age for me to get married and my mummy is hell bent to find a bride for me this season. I am not worried about my marriage but wonder how is it going to end because he has said I MIGHT get married more than once. He didn’t say twice he said more than once. Will I keep experimenting with marriage? My not so good relationships with women species might be an omen for my turbulent married life.
We Hindus also believe that god can be appeased, the angry stars and planets can be soothed by offering religious homage to them. Mummy made me jot every detail of what should I do to avoid misfortunes. I won’t be rich, I don’t have good future in my current job, my marriage life will be turbulent what more misfortune should I expect more. Is there any decree that compels me to believe what he said? NO.

Loneliness

I never learnt to accept departures as a light regularity in life. They have always left me wonder and feel lonely. Though I was at the peak of my naughtiness last Saturday with my friends but when we were reminded that this might be the last meeting of few of us, I was thrown back to the empty and sullen loneliness. There was probably no one who I might miss, except remember sometime even then to find somebody who you have seen regularly disappear is a weird thought, not very funny. A little later I was waiting Subash sir at Kalimati in one of the busiest area in the city. Strangely the place was suspiciously quiet. I knew there were strikes going on but even then to find that place with no sounds and no hustle and bustle is something that cannot be grasped easily. Probably the quietness inside me was stronger than the quietness in that place. My emptiness was sucking in every sound and I stood alone in that place and the world moved around me in circle, just the way they show in movies. The sun was however in its fullest glare yet I had no thirst. I felt a stream of sweat run down my spine which forced me to consciousness. A fistful of young students had gathered for some kind of protests. I would have damned them otherwise but just spared them. A small kid scornfully looked at me, I don’t know what made him scorn me, may be that was his regular way of seeing people. I don’t remember if he continued looking at me with squinted eyes and his head making an angle with his shoulder. A lady was bargaining the price of mango with its seller and a stray dog looked at me as if a climber was looking at the peak of the mountain he had to climb. I returned him a look of helplessness, I had nothing for him. As if he had understood me, he walked past me and a young boy kicked him. I wanted to kick the boy as well, I feel no one is allowed to assault another being just because he is superior or he thinks he is superior. He told his friends he cannot see dogs. I wanted to tell him, I can’t see you but what would that mean to him. What do I mean to him? Possibly he will laugh at me but his attire suggested he would rather knock me off. I might not be wise but I am not that stupid that I would go to the butcher and ask him not to slay the goat. The dog had run away, moaning in pain but I know he will return because he has to feed himself, he has to seek mercy of his assaulters. I don’t think all of us are alive because we want to live but just because we don’t know what to do.
After a long time I was feeling lonely and this loneliness was not attributed to anyone’s absence in that place. It was a peculiar loneliness; I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts. Out of no where I remembered a couple who I had seen from bus at Gaushala, probably they were bidding each other bye for the day promising to meet again tomorrow. The boy kissed the girl on lip and she blushed. Kissing in public is a taboo. I saw the girl, she was not beautiful not ugly either but I would not have kissed her but I also didn’t love her for that matter. Once it was already late and I couldn’t get any bus. After a long wait a bus came. There were few passengers and most of the seats were vacant. In these cases I prefer backseats watching the night progress with the whiffs of air making me aware that I was alive. I feel a kind of comfort to pass leaving the light poll behind. I like watching people hurrying in shops but calm at restaurants. There was a girl already seated next to window so I took a seat next to her. The breeze was blowing her hair that came to my face and stuck to it. Slowly the numbers of passengers dropped and dropped. I hadn’t seen her face but her cheeks were bright. I don’t know what made her look at me, we were very close. This type of closeness is welcome most of the time but not at those where I want to be with myself. The girl was just an OK, I thought had we been in love would I kiss her. I was thrilled, I was amused. Her hair kept flying to my face and once or twice she will pull them without even turning her face toward me. I wished I could kiss her not for anything else but just for kissing.
Without my knowledge the students had disappeared, I didn’t even notice their slogans. That dog had also vanished from my thoughts. A bike passed in front of me, it left a cloud of smoke which would soon disappear and no one knows if anyone had passed there in a bike. Those smoke were like moments in life, they are ephemeral. They cannot be seen or smelled but they will be there in the environment, in the atmosphere except that they will never be needed. My thoughts had no images of the friends with whom I was laughing just some minutes back. Subash sir came and after wasting sometime at his home we set out for a dinner arranged by my brother. While I wasted time, I tried to lay the burden of emptiness, discussed office and works. Though I was different now, their shadows were still there. For the first time I took wine and unlike they said I was tripped. All of a sudden my never stopping mouth, I lay on the chair my hands crossed behind my head watching the light I truly bid bye to many thoughts for the time being. I was back to my glare again, don’t want to have wine again but I was more peaceful. I couldn’t sleep properly that night, the same faces I had confronted in my day came laughing and giggling in front of me.

Friends,farewell and memories

Yesterday’s Saturday was quite an event. In spite of the mist of uncertainty we had a small get together of few friends. After getting out of the college two years back, there was no formal event when we had gathered to sit to bring the old days back to life. Bringing back the college days back to life does not mean we should sit and remember what we had done, how were those days. This is however a way in itself, but just a small gathering of faces that have been lost in the hastiness of life and in the struggle to seek an identity that is different from that of a student, can itself bring those old days to life. We did not sit to look back those events bringing the moments that from the mysterious dark into the flashes of today; neither did we try to formally miss the friends that couldn’t make it there due to several reasons. Even then the gathering itself was capable of simmering nostalgia. The other reason being to bid bye to three friends who will move on in their life to seek a destination of their own. We again did not make it a farewell gathering that will remind us of the crunching number of friends in the city. When we started our undergraduate degree we were almost thirty in numbers. When we were in the last semester there were around twenty seven and when we had gathered there we were less than fifteen presently in the country while only seven of us could make it to the gathering. Pushing the responsibilities, work and the chaos behind we were just jubilant students there with no care to the world yet with the desire to conquer it. In spite of a different truth we were exuberant about life. If next time we plan to sit we will have three people less, yes our presence is reducing. While two among us will fly abroad to pursue higher studies one will be married to India. Though we will have constant touch with the former two, yesterdays’ meeting with the latter could be the last one and we will miss her, miss her mischief, miss her accent, miss her contagious laughter when we will drown in the nostalgia of our college days. Those flying abroad will come back may be just only on vacation but we will be able to meet them and someday a similar day as yesterday could be arranged but I doubt if the three girls will be able to make it. We tend to expect what we think is most likely to happen; probably this was too early to sit back and remember the moments that escaped into the womb of unforgiving time, indifferent time. The fact is still there in the quest for survival, in the shackles of our own responsibilities we might not get bountiful of time to look back into the memories, but even if we managed to remember them once we will miss those faces, would loose ourselves in assumption how would they be doing, where would they be and how would they look. If we are old enough we might drop tears out of compassion even if not a bleak smile will compliment our aura. In my college years I never got close to any girls, this was not a conscious act, it just happened. With boys my relation was same to all and I never belonged to any group which we had in our class. Not belonging to a group can sometime be painful specially when there are events, in the break, in any other programs while most of the batch-mates will be busy with their own group, I had to behave as if I were an outcast. I would never fit in to any groups, especially in the earlier days when I was a recluse. Though I could mix up well with few class mates very well, I never thought I will ever miss the college days. I had my own reservations against coming closer to any class mates. I must have been happy with few friends I had. In fact I had only two friends, apart from them I was alien to most of others. I was tagged arrogant, aloof and an introvert; I never tried to break this image, I never cared to. Even when I was all of sudden a funny creature it was never a conscious decision.
Seriously, I never thought I would miss faces from my class. I never in my dreams imagined that I would like to be in touch with many of them even after the college. I never doubted I will ever write something like this in my entire life. Today as I write this, just the feeling of the fact that I will probably never see few faces my entire life is making my heart feel cold.
Actually I have always been very sensitive to departure and once I told a friend that I must have lost someone in my previous life (I don’t think I believe in previous life) who I loved the most and my life must have gone out of track because of that, so even in this life departures chills me to bone. They actually do. I have always treasured memories and whenever someone passes into memories they become special in their own way. Either you love them too much or you hate them to extreme. I might take days to find a one particular person who I hate but there are innumerous names and faces I love. I have always had friends who were very close and very special but they have come and they have left with no thinnest string of connection between us. In my higher secondary I regarded few friends as friends for life but they slipped away just like dry sand slips away from fist. Time acted like a whiff that blew away that sand, they blew them far away to their deserts I might never navigate, even if I do they will be different altogether. The number of friends has grown from two to higher and I know most of them are friends for life now. Even then I will miss those who had gathered yesterday. One day or other there will be only memories left, communication will reduce and eventually it will lose with most of them though not will all of them. If anything will be there then it will be memories, sweet memories.

Democracy

These two days were very engaging. When there are no works there are no works at all and when there is work it makes one sweat till the last drop. Even then I prefer busy days against the dull ones. Yesterday was more tiring than today, today I managed to peek into an e-Book I have been reading from few days. The office hour was reaching its end while I was reading the intriguing lines. It was a call from my immediate executive, all the staffs were summoned and at that time among fifteen hardly six can turn up. We were four in his room where he was busy making some papers. He handed one to all of us, without actually looking at the paper which was already in our hand we wanted to know what it was from the horse’s mouth. It was a real surprise a thunder in its own way. Hurrah!!! Democracy. We were supposed to give our opinion on who should receive the annual perk from our department this year. We have to give names of one executive and one non-executive who we think should receive the perk or grade. We have to scribble the name of staffs. We do not require signing or jotting down our names. No criteria for the nomination were suggested possibly believing we were mature enough to justify our nomination.
One of my colleagues was less interested while I was little exuberant. We can even recommend our own names, unfortunately I do not find myself deserving and more unfortunate is the fact that I cannot think of any other deserving executive. While our seniors are more engaged in meetings and planning rather than implementing, we without doubt work more than that. Planning of course is a rigorous act but only when you are committed and one does not sit for planning for the sake of planning itself and belching the meeting allowance. Planners are rarely accountable when their plans fail. On one of those meetings we didn’t talk anything on the purpose for which we had sat together but we (including myself) indulged in current political development. We so much shamelessly mock the system that we have committee to recommend software (e-mail server) though the decision to buy particular software has already been made. Committees have other advantages as well, first being the allowance one gets and the other being sharing the accountability for works that are usually dubious.
Anyways I was excited today for it was a signal of change, sign of democracy. As far as non-executives are concerned, there are two deserving candidates while others are worse than worthless. Now I am little confused on whom I should recommend. We have seven non-executives out of which five are good for nothing. The one with the most gloomy face is an active member of union and he does nothing. The only task assigned to him is to survey different section and take note of that, even with no work he is the one who is never satisfied. All of my colleagues were unanimous that he will get only one vote and that will be his own. The other has remained absent (though appearing present in office’s attendance register) lamenting on his personal issues. Even when he comes he shows no interest in work except reading newspaper. I don’t know how he is going to get even a single recommendation with his rude behavior and unauthorized absence. One of the assistants is also an active member of union and he talks/demands more rights than earning it by executing what he is supposed to do. Boss’ secretary is new and he is also someone rarely seen in his desk. One is lady who was in pregnancy leave from two months and that makes her chance of getting a recommendation bleak. Now the two are left. One is a really laborious assistant, facilitator who is always available (before 2:00PM) when one needs him. A hardworking and proactive staff, though he runs his small private business without affecting the office choirs. But then he leaves work at 2:00PM though office time is till 5:00PM. Even then he does more work in a single day than his peer does in a whole month. The final one is a young man who is exploited like no other in the whole department. He does overtime, runs from section to section repairing and fixing computer related problems, comes to office even during holidays and is really helpful. I do not prefer people who raise no voice against exploitation and who consciously fall victim to the exploiter. The poor guy is doing work of three people all along by himself. I don’t know why people do not understand by falling prey to exploitation they will never win praises and perks. On the contrary those who exploit him will never want him to rise out of fear that if he rises higher they won’t be able to exploit him as easily as they are doing now. If one is being exploited because of his/her helplessness it can be justified. For example a father with a family to feed do not raise voice against his exploiter because there is no job available if he leaves his exploiter, in this case he might be justified but if he is a silent oppressed with no obligations he deserves no pity.
I have expressed my discontent in above paragraphs on the staffs who do not work. One thing that cannot be denied is that they are doing what they are asked to do. There is no one to cross check the activities of staffs. Seniors remain mum against the breach of office rules. As far as the staff who needs to work for one day a week is concerned, he is assigned no other jobs and he can easily avoid new assignments citing lack of knowledge. What a shame for department that spends a big part of its annual budget in trainings to enhance skills of staffs. Management cannot expect efficient work and discharge of duties unless it ensures none of its staffs are exploited and there is balance of work between them. May be this is also a sign for other changes. Let me hold on to my excitement.
When we were out of our executives’ room the same colleague who was skeptical inside said it was just a show off, a sponsored event with no significance. He said he even knew the one who will get the perk. It was the same man with discontented face from the union working only once a week. I said I can’t say anything but we agreed that he won’t get a single recommendation. He said he is even ready to bet, we informally have a bet on. I must admit my exuberance was descending from its peak and soon I was indifferent.
Is it only a drama? May be or may be not. We have also not been told that our recommendation will be used to make final recommendation, but it indicated that only our opinions were sought. We however can easily know if it was a drama when the one getting the grade will be declared. If my colleague wins the bet it will surely mean it was just a setup. I do not like to be pessimistic before anything has really happened, I hope this time there will be no foul play and our opinions will be counted. If that is to happen that will be a perk in itself for me individually and I know it will encourage other colleagues as well. It might also send message to the staffs who shun works to work properly.
Last year when the perk was announced there was a frustration among few colleagues unfortunately those who lie on the bracket of irresponsible staffs. They think one should get perks on the basis of their tenure. What a pity? Only those who has no work to speak for them bring this kind of opinion.

Office Office

When I went to office early in the morning, I saw him already positioned in his chair busy in some kind of work. Out of curiosity, didn’t you make a schedule yesterday? He nodded in affirmation. My face must have questioned him ‘then?’. After having completed a year in the department, I knew what had happened. As always they must have made schedule to stay after office or come early in the morning so that only one won’t suffer, but when time came for their turn they must have produced excuses or might have left without information. There he was doing work that was supposed to be done by another. If someone wants to witness the limit of indiscipline they should come to our department. If one wants a leave, he need not ask for that what he needs to do is come to office early in the morning do the attendance and go home. In this way you save your leave and at the same time you can do your work. If you are expected to carry out a duty you can just ignore it citing you are not the responsible because no job description is given. Luckily the boss is lenient. More than that no one is sincere and you always have cases when your boss or your colleague had broken the norm. Do you want make your superiors and boss considerate on you, then keep telling them the works you did (though in reality your colleague might have that) and do not fear to give him information on what others are doing or talking. Do not appear in office for almost a month still superiors will think you are in leave as their mathematics is slightly poor. Even if you come to office just find a place to sit with newspaper and engage yourself in gossip. Just show your face to boss and leave the office. I was thinking may be I should join some other organization in the day as after signing the attendance book, its not necessary to stay at office. Tell your father is ill and leave office anytime you want. Do you know any other office which is as lenient as ours? If you don’t want to work then this is the best office and ours is the perfect department for you. Even after taking professional trainings worth thousands of rupees you can always say I don’t know how to do it. Even if you have to work then it won’t be more than visiting other sections once a week taking few notes make entries in computer and relax for rest of the week. But you have to be careful, you must give impressions as if yours is the toughest job and keep complaining how you are doing the most difficult thing in the department. However if you still fear then again there is a cure, join a union, appear as if you are the most dedicated staff in the whole department before the boss. In every meeting your consent will be sought even though you have nothing to say. Wait !!! in meetings do not hesitate to raise issues even though they may be the silliest you can think of. Make yourself appear as if you are in great stress due to the nature of your work. Recite your woes on how you have to listen to others complain and how rudely they behave with you.
The other thing is make smallest of the work look the most complicated one, even if that can be done in not more than 30 minutes complain how mind boggling is the problem and how it might take a whole days or even a week. Always lament on the pressure of work you have but in your cabin feel free to play games. Keep telling how the works have piled up and how your peers have made it more complicated. If a problem is encountered do not look for its nature before blaming your immediate boss for everything. Criticize him and curse his incompetency before others to prove yourself the ultimate messiah. Do not forget to blab about how you accomplished something so complicated to everyone. Make yourself look as if without you the whole office will be lame. Forget sharing work, why would you share your work? If others start solving problems people will go to your colleagues and your image will be tarnished, people will stop praying you. Present yourself as the most caring person before your colleagues though you might hate him. Find what he is doing and try spoiling his work either by deleting the records he has created, or by deleting the file he has created. When someone points at you, make a conspiracy theory ready, make someone a villain who is always against you. It will work.
I am now an expert in office stuffs. I don't have much work but that is not because I have started avoiding work, there isn't any. However I leave office early at least twice a month and seek no permission if I have to leave office in the day for my personal work. I know this is something I should be ashamed of rather than flaunting it.
I have now adapted to the new culture and is spoiling myself yet have never shunned my responsibilities nor delayed any work. Even then I am a clever staff now. Earlier I was not. once when I asked my colleague whose permission should I seek if I have to leave early. He said no-one. My obvious question was ‘won’t any disciplinary action will be taken?’and the obvious reply was ‘only people who are disciplined can take disciplinary action upon others’. In my previous office there was no chance of leaving early. I said ‘The boss might reproach’ and the immediate reply was ‘the boss himself take classes in day’. I knew this was wrong, I could have bet that our boss does not take any classes in the day. I argued and after being convinced my colleague said he used to abscond earlier. Later I learnt few of my colleagues do not like the boss because they preferred the boss from their ethnic background. Though in 21st century, many of us have fostered communal ideologies. One of my colleagues is always full of praises for the head of another department. His ‘had there been P. Sir’ is a repetitive term I hate to hear.
Anyway this is our office, thus are my colleagues, seniors and so many things I have learned.

Development

The newspapers and news channels are busy reporting the inauguration of ‘Narayanhiti National Museum’ i.e. the former palace which has been converted into a Museum. The Prime Minister, who had not been much interested in declaring the republic earlier, hoisted the national flag. The national flag was hosted informally the very next day after the declaration of republic amid public up roaring. The flag replaced the royal flag with royal emblem. It was a sign of victory to the public. Its shimmer will always remind Nepalese how they had brought the authoritarian ruler to knees. Getting the right to power just because one is born in the Royal family is not accepted in modern world where people are rigorously churned in daily struggle for prosperity and success.
Though the declaration of republic is a leap, one cannot underestimate the contributions made by former kings especially Prithivi Narayan Shah in unifying the country and protecting its sovereignty over time. Most of the people will frown when the adjectives like innovative are used for King Mahendra, they recall him as someone who brought in the single party Panchayat system in the country. However we must also admit that a consensus was sought on whether a democratic system should take over or Panchayat system, people voted for the later. Though the consensus could have been manipulated and there could have been foul play there are no proofs to suggest that. Mahendra did try to bring many changes like making the caste discrimination illegal, improvising the land policies etc. Birendra focused on education and bringing the country in the track of development which didn’t succeed for so many reasons. In the history of Nepal where twelve kings were enthroned majority of them engaged themselves in luxury with no concern for people and the country. They fell puppet to the Rana ministers and to their other courtiers. The history has witnessed dirty politics, blood shed etc. where the interest of people have always been ignored.
The news channels flashed the images of political leaders with faces glorified by smile, the smile of victory. It was a pleasing and proud moment. I didn’t participate in the 19 days agitation that was a milestone in converting the country into republican setup. I do not feel proud for staying at home those 19 days just supporting the chants in the streets. It was a high time to trust the leaders with soiled political images.
Declaration of republic is not an end, it should be a beginning. I watched an interview with a Maoists leader who said their decade long war had finally achieved what it want. I would like to have a difference of opinion on that quote. The war was to revolutionize the whole system, bring about efficient management of resources, cut down corruption and uniform development across the country. Their promises were land for all, education for all, health for all, employment for all and food for all. The cat fights they are engaged in suggest they are deviating from their promises.
The earlier system of education and its curriculum was orthodox that did not make people innovative but made them seek dependence on others. The education did nothing to modernize agriculture, speed up development and boost confidence. It was just a legacy system and even then very few had reached to the schools. Education should spread awareness; it should enrich the receiver with consciousness. It should armor him with voice he would need to raise against misgivings and wrong doings. Even after having certificates in hand most of us are still illiterate. Majority of the youth thinks he needs to have proper bureaucratic links to get a job rather than a proper qualification. We have produced lesser job creators but mostly job seekers. We need to have education which will help us to walk in unison with the modern world. It should help us leap not crawl. Professional education is a must and the education should be favorable to where one lives and how he sustains his life. I doubt how many students who come from agricultural background aspire to be a productive farmer. In the run to adapt new world we are loosing our skills and that is no help.
The other concern is health. Once my cousin who is posted in a rural area of Bhojpur told me how people die from snake bites, appendicitis, diarrhea and fever in the lack of medical attention. They have to be carried on the back of people to get them the medical facilities and in many cases they die before they reach the health posts. Even the health posts are not well equipped and they do not have any medical staffs. A democratic government should ensure proper health care to its citizens. Awareness on epidemics should be created in the rural areas and they should be taught how to fight them. Opportunities should be created at the local level so the skilled man power remains rooted to their grounds. Opening health posts is no solution unless there are no medicines and no staffs.
We boast of our diversity in structure but its our diversity itself that is hindering developments. It is still arduous to make roads across the country connecting every parts to every other part. In many part the people have themselves set examples by digging the road to their villages themselves. Every village should be encouraged to do so, government should act as a facilitator while the active participants should be local people which will give them the feeling of ownership. People should be given professional trainings in health related matters so that they won’t die without medicine. In this case assistance can be taken from the emerging field of Information Technology. Equipping the local resource center with computer, internet and software supporting video conferencing etc, will help people in accessing health facilities at their spot. In few fields Nepal can really boast development, one of them being in communication sector and capabilities to communicate mean the presence of IT, so its use should be maximized.
To sustain oneself and one’s family a citizen should have employment. In developing countries like ours government cannot employee all its qualified citizens in its offices. While educating students the focus should be on development of skill. He/she should be encouraged to do things on his own rather than depending on other. The country has a bright future in the tourism sector so the major tourists interests should be identified and the youth should be given professional training on guiding, running hotels, information center, shops. Even in this case the role of government should be of facilitator. The country is equally popular in traditional arts and culture so youths should be encouraged to be involved in sculptry and other artistic activities. On one hand it will help us protect our heritage and culture; on the other hand it will provide employment. Cottage industries should get subsidies and they should be trained to meet international standards. At the same time government should focus on rapid industrialization either by self investment or by inviting foreign investors. The government should also focus on producing manpower whose demand is on the rise in the world. They can be IT professionals, nurses, doctors, teachers etc. but they should have to skills demanded by international market. More and more youths should be encouraged to adopt agriculture by making it more profitable and less harsh. The government should have efficient market policy promising farmers that they will get what they deserve. In spite of laboring hard most of the farmers lie below the line of poverty, thanks to the traditional farming methods and unidentified soil quality. Government should sponsor research and studies to find what crop should be grown in a given place.
I am no expert to make recommendations, its what I thought would be beneficial.

Friends

While returning from airport after seeing off a friend, I realized that now there is one person less who I will call when feeling bored at office, when thinking about talking to someone. I knew I will miss those long chats without head and tail, laughing without reason and seeking naughty meanings in every sentence. Another thing was just denying leaving my thoughts, while getting in my friend had tried to seek something in the eyes of his father. The look was serious as if they were drenched in pain to leave the beloved home. Possibly seeking advices from someone who has always been there to advise on what to do and what not to do. I watched the eyes of his father which took an excuse to look into the eyes of his son. He pretended to have missed the look of his son’s eyes but I can tell for sure he had seen those eyes. Though with best wishes for his son, there must have been pain to see the departing son. The fact that he will return does alleviate the pain but still parents are parents. When one needs eyes to speak, then there is always something that human vocabulary fails to cover.
Just a moment later the friend who was at the distance of a phone call was to land into the unseen world, to seek glory for his career. Of course he can still be reached with phone call but emotions fall victim before the prowess of economy. We console ourselves with remembrances and memories. When I was strolling back to office, his face and his smile refused to exit from memories. A whiff of his gestures, appearance, words, wit and wisdom took my mind to an entirely different state. I have always been sensitive to departures and more than that he had been a very good friend, a caring one and also the one who had advices when I needed it the most. Even today I tend to dial his number forgetting he cannot be accessed thus. Then I think he should have got to his place by now and he could send mail anytime. But yes as stated earlier, I have bid bye to someone who I regularly called and talked. Best of luck to my friend!!!
From his very early history men have loved to be with creatures like himself i.e. with other men. It must have provided them security and help. When they invented agriculture they needed help as farming individually was not possible. Man has always been emotional; he has always needed love and support. From very early age children prefer to be with someone like themselves. Yes, man is social by instinct.
I have had good friends from early years of my life. As I gaze the 26 years I have left behind, I remember many faces that I liked. In spite of this I have never been someone with large number of friends. I can call it a complexity in my behavior or personality though having good terms with every class mate or colleague and with amicable mannerisms I felt free with very few of them. No-one chooses friends with care or with plan, friendship just happens. When few of my friends get numerous calls everyday and have loads of people around them; by calling people not greater than 5 I finish my list of friends who I have to wish a happy new year.
I am basically a loner, someone who enjoys talking to oneself more and pushing ones thoughts to limits than chatting with others. Few days back I was contemplating on few wish lists as the curtain of rain veiled the horizon from my sight, in most of them I didn’t want to be with anyone but just with myself. Maybe I am a sadist.
I have had best of friends and we being utilitarian just lost the hold once we parted ways in life neither swearing to forget nor promising to be in touch. Had there been promises and if breaking promises are sin, we would have been the greatest sinners. Friends at schools, at colleges etc. have come to life and have gone and countable few are in touch. With few the strings of connection so gaunt that they are in the verge of breaking and with least it is as strong as it had been.
Though the need for friend is independent of age, I believe teen age is the time of life when the most important people in life are friends. The world is so beautiful in their presence; everything is so helpful and easy when they are around. They know the girl you like, they know the song you sing, and they know everything about you as if they live your life more than you live it yourself. I have been to that phase. I had just one friend who I cared like I cared no one in the whole world. I still remember the evening gloomed in tears when I bid him farewell at a local bus station. Waiting for his letters was so much a pain and I expected every day this is the day when I will have his letter which never came. I had become more of a recluse while my friend was struggling with his own problems. Memories of those lonely days still torment me. The only thing that I know now is that when he was in the country last time I couldn’t even manage to meet him, he was no important any more. We learn to live life as it comes because deep inside us we know there is not much we can do.
When college grew familiar I thought I had friends with whom I will never part ways. Time proved it is mightier than anyone and today I don’t even know where they are. But there are people from your schools and colleges you are always in contact not because they are special but because you keep meeting them. There are few friends from school and colleges I have been with me though not by choice. Yet my best of friends are from my school and college who I am proud to have.

The anarchy continues

It was just yesterday I was writing about anarchy rampant in the country and today I have just another example. Having promised my fourteen old cousin that I will get her some CDs, I hurried to Gongabu approximately 15Km away from my home. Long jam in the road suggested that something was not right. Jams are something we have learned to live with but they are surprise on Saturdays. But being the most volatile areas where people bring their frustrations to streets for smallest reasons like their chicken being run over by a vehicle, I didn’t care. More than that I was in no hurry and was enjoying the mp3s with the head phones plugged into my ears. The news was reading about disturbances brought about by hike in the fuel prices. Since law does not abide anyone we have jams when people swerve their vehicles in wrong places, driver reverse their vehicle in the busiest of roads, they stop anywhere when they see passengers. The passengers signal the vehicles to stop whenever and where-ever they want, they argue for fare even they know the exact fare. These are common things and they in fact help to let out the frustrations in the common man.
I was in the jam for about 45 minutes, when I was almost to my destination a young boy whose look suggested he was a conductor, came running to the bus I was in and asked the driver to return. His body language and his expression were indicating he was infuriated. The police had gathered at places with their batons and shield and people had gathered to see what was happening. Presence of police, does not give one the feeling of security in places like ours where they are more helpless than a common man. They are sent to the disturbed area with no clear instructions and if anyone is most puzzled in situation like these then its police. It was time to unplug my ear-phones. The boy was swearing and cursing, he sworn more than he told what had transpired. I learnt that few drivers had been man handled and their vehicles damaged and as usual they had resorted to blocking the streets, burning tires etc.
There are many reasons why every issue turns violent and why people take everything in their hand. They know that government won’t do anything, there is no promise of justice and everything is solved in locked rooms while the big bugs appear shaking hands and grinning. Many people had died earlier in road accidents, riots and homicides but we never witnessed counter riots, arson and blockades. Now before one thinks that the enforcement of law must have been effective then and perpetrators were brought to books, let me tell you that was not the case. Those days people didn’t believe in law, they feared it. Those who have lost their people will bury their agonies deep within because they knew how sluggish the law was, in their quest for justice they will land in deep trouble. Compensation was something they didn’t expect because they hadn’t heard compensation being given to any victims. Thanks to media and easy reach to information, people have become aware but it does not mean they have regards for law. Law is same and the Nepali saying ‘Thula lai chain sana lai aiyan’ (Luxury for rich and powerful while law for poor and innocent) is still popular in the country. Now they take everything in their own hand, they have lost their faith in government. How can they trust the government who upon 25% rise in fuel prices endorses 35% rise in public fare? While the real trouble makers sit inside the barricades of bureaucracy the ground worker is targeted. Today many drivers were beaten and many had their heads busted open but they are not the real culprit in fact they are as innocent as a common passenger. The real culprit is the ministry of Labor and transport, the cabinet of ministers and the leaders who the people have chosen to represent them. In their closed room meeting which is more an allowance munching thing than meetings for public concern, the representatives of respective political parties agrees to every decree, legislation, polices that are hostile to a common man they voice gall and venom against the things they have done themselves when they speak before the public. If they are in the opposition they always have other fish to fry. They give false impressions of their concern of a common man but its just their attempt to cease power. People have always been betrayed and this will keep continuing till education does not promise consciousness, till law is not enforced and till the people are not promised justice and till impunity is not controlled.
I who earn more than a common Nepali citizen felt a prick in my heart when I was asked to pay five rupees more how would a common man feel. He knows the government will not listen to him, where will he pour his frustrations. An average income of a common Nepali per month is less than Rs. 1500 i.e. less than $20 (Statistics of 2002). A city dweller earns around Rs. 3000 per month and most of them have to use public transport to get to work and return. With Rs.10 , he spent Rs.20 everyday on transport thus Rs.600 a month. Now with remaining Rs.2400 how can he feed his family and send his children to school. After the students brought it to the streets earlier government promised a concession of 33% to students. Since there are no regulatory bodies in a state in anarchy, its way easy to get a student identity card. Everyone carried student identity cards though they might have never gone to school. Thus a common Nepali will pay Rs. 7 i.e Rs.14 a day in public transport, but with hike of 35% they need to pay Rs.10 for fare. Even a rise of Rs.1 shakes the budget of a common man and the impact of 35% was expected to face fierce resistance. With country which has just managed to put violence aside, people are still frustrated but they are in high hopes, they feel the good days will come when life will be lot easier. They are in position to adjust any cheats. Already they feel deceived when political parties are failing to bring any promises to life. Now people question if it was only for Republican system to take life of more than 20000 people justified. It is no deal at all, it’s a blatant cheating.
The market price is not fixed and again in the absence of regulatory bodies (if present they are useless) anyone has right to fix the price of commodity or service he wants to sell. Isn’t this anarchy? Democracy also promises transparency in state affairs, when and how government justified the rise in fuel prices and the chain reaction it has created. For a man who has been following news recently, he knew the rise was coming but can we raise the price without considering the repercussions. Today only four or five vehicles have burnt in the anguish of a common man it will be more fierce and fearsome in the days to come.
Now I get to hear that government had asked not to pay more for a fare. They have asked the citizens that no changes has been made. But is that what a democratic says? Shouldn’t they say they will strictly punish the transport people if they ask passengers to pay more? When there was insurgency even at that time they had asked people not be afraid of the militias and not to help them but what happened, the insurgency only grew stronger and stronger. A democratic government does not ask people to stay away from criminals and injustice, they create an environment where no crimes occur, at least they try. They do not expect their citizens to be forced for anything because they are strict against the perpetrators.
If the government has not given permission to hike fare, by whose authority the transporters are making people more. Why can’t government take their licenses away? The transporters know the government is capable of doing nothing. If the government tries to be strict, they have association. These associations do not fight for the right of their members but to exploit the rights of others. Associations do not abide by the law but government should abide by their rules. Isn’t it obvious anarchy? Association of petroleum dealers protects the dealers when they mix kerosene with petrol, association of employees protects the right of workers to shun work, association of media protects their right to manipulate news, association of students give them right to burn tyres and close educational institutions, association of doctors protect them when they kill patients out of negligence. Does anyone call this democracy? Sorry sir we are anarchists.
The reaction to everything is violent because the youth have fought to bring peace to country, they have fought to change the face of the country. They have been promised of education, employment and opportunity. They have feeling of being cheated. If one is to observe these agitations, it won’t be difficult to see young, juvenile faces outnumbering the adults. Police being seen as a representative of the government are pelted stones. I wish the anger that is being poured to equally innocent drivers to be diverted to the concerned ministries and authorities.

Anarchy

There are too less good examples that we present to rest of the world as a country than the bad examples. We grant ourselves pride to emerge as a country who have peacefully solved a crisis after a decade long civil war. Possibly this is one of the shortest civil war in the history of world. At the same time we astonish the world by successfully having a constituent assembly election amid high tensions and our tendencies to expect worse. The same us, smear our faces with greed for power, with greed for position. The leaders who give generous speech in mass meetings cannot accept that they are losing power. They have always have contradiction with what they say and what they do. All they need is power not people. To hell with the mandates of the people, despite a shameful defeat in elections our leaders dodge when its time to leave their positions. They hail the mandates before the mass but in closed meeting rooms they cannot form an accord just because they don’t want to see power slipping away from hand. Despite renaming the country from Kingdom of Nepal to Federal Democratic of Nepal, if there is anything rampant its anarchy. Maoists who have come to mainstream politics still have parallel forces with military capabilities. Their claim to abide by the interim constitution is also their commitment to the judiciary of the country and its whole legal process yet they have their own tribunals, civil courts handling cases. Highways are jammed just because some reckless drivers run over someone. I do not intend to say the drivers should not be punished but blocking highways is no ailment. Why all these sort of things happen? People have come to know that if they want to get their things heard barricades, violence and closure are the only ways. They have lost their faith in government; they have learnt it that law is just a piece for decoration and the government will never do justice. We have started a new culture and its not the people who are to be blamed for these daily blockades, arsons and closures. In recent past no talks have been initiated before a closure has been called, before highways have been blocked, before schools have been shut, before effigies have been burnt.
The other thing is the lack of market policy. Unfortunately the country has no market policy and prices can be fixed by anyone. I doubt if there are bodies that tries to check the inflation and other economies indices which can be helpful in forecasting the future and hence taking timely precautions. In their cat fights the politicians’ contempt of general public is clearly visible. They do nothing to ease the lives of a common man but use everything in their arsenal to make the lives harder. With one leg already in the grave they dream to be the first president of the country while they say position is just a worn out clothes for them however they are so in love with their worn out clothes that there is no way they can shed those cloths. Their words and their deeds are never in accord.
I present a small example. This week the prices of fuel (petrol, diesel and gas) was raised which was quite expected. Everyone knew the change in price is not avoidable but the government as always raised the price with no calculation. They have no mechanism to control and govern its effects in daily commodities and services. They have no steering bodies committee which overlooks and instructs the commodities and services market to make adjustment in the price. Especially when there is change in prices of fuel, it creates a chain reaction and hence before changes are made an elaborate study is a must. Our per capita income is very low and still a common man is very poor, he relies in subsistence labor. But how will our politician get time amid their rigorous meetings to secure their power and position. Their concern for the people is only for the time of election, only till election the people are their and they are superior. After they have won, its them who have the power. This time the price of petrol increased by 25% (it was Rs 80 per liter before and now its Rs. 100), how would one speculate on the adjustment of fare in public transport. Of course public transports need to hike their price. How much would one guess on the increment in the fare when the fuel price rises by 25%. At maximum one expects a 10% rise but what will you do when the conductor slaps you a ticket that costs 35% more. For a public vehicle capable of carrying a minimum of 15 people even a 10% rise is high but in the state with careless government with no policies every organization can exercise a monopoly. Every section has their own unions and every union belongs to some political parties and the shameless government does nothing. How can a minister endorse such a foolish decision? A minister can be foolish but how can one believe the whole ministry is filled with foolish people. Just because they have government vehicles for them, they have no concern to a common man. Till yesterday I was paying Rs. 11 between home to office and back now I have to pay 14.85. Now the conductor will have no return of 15 paisa and I will have to pay fifteen. Is the 35% rise in fare against 20% rise in fuel justified? The government is snoring in its deep sleep. Everyone can do anything and no one can ask you or prevent you from doing this.
Now 35% rise in fare will hit the market really hard, the prices of commodities will rise by not less than 20% , who knows if it rises by 50% as they can do anything. There will be few more general strikes, more fences will be broken, more beds in the hospital will be filled and government will make derisory adjustments, the opposition parties will get an agenda and again everything will come to halt. This is how our country has run in the past and the symptoms of future are worse. Common man will painfully suffer, drown in tear will not afford to live in the expensive world and eventually he will die.
Isn’t its high time for us to stabilize a system and make the presence of government felt? Isn’t its time to establish a rule of law? Isn’t its time to rid our system from discrepancies? How are we going to pave path for a economically sustainable future when we have no policies for present? Those who survive in the present are those who will remain to see the future. Where are the economic policies? Is it the way to bring economic revolution? Is this the liberty we wanted? When policies are made for a common cause for a common good, its democracy, when policies are made to appease a section then this is dictatorship. When there is impunity rampant, when people inflict others by right and when there is no body or institution to avail justice it is anarchy and that is where we seem to be living, in an anarchist state.